Thanks OwnIt - I really needed that advice right about now.
Since I posted that, I got a call from my H that ended badly.
First off, he stood me up earlier for something unimportant but the disrespect really rubbed me the wrong way. So I was a bit ticked already but did my best to hide it. Like all the other times I talk to him or see him I am playing a role - that of someone who is doing fine, someone who has recovered from the rejection, someone who no longer feels the pain of enormous loss.. and I'm so exhausted from the effort.
The phone call started off reasonable and we casually chatted. Then moved on to some financial issues we are dealing with which lead me to telling him I need to get a roommate because the search for a condo I can afford is depressing. His reaction to that? "Ok, well I have to go". It's his sign that he doesn't want to hear it. So I immediately said (annoyed) "Bye... and slammed the phone down.
Several calls back from him where I hung up on him each time except the last one. Each call back from him led me to release some more of my anger at my new reality thanks to him. No crying thank God, just anger. I'm so sick of him wanting to avoid the truth of what he's done to me and to my life while he always seems to land on his feet. He apologized for his reaction but said it's hard for him to hear how much his decision has affected me. (Poor baby). He said he thought I was doing fine (that's how good my role playing has been).
This could be the 'last straw' moment for me. Told him that we don't have to do this anymore. No more conversation, no nothing. Everything we must talk about can be done by email. He wants to keep talking and not email. I'm very sure I don't want any more conversation. I don't want to have to choose my words that carefully so he stays blissfully unaware of how his decisions have affected me. Time for me to let him go forever. I'm just DONE.
My reaction is not exactly in the LBS handbook for Standers but I no longer care. I just realized with this phone call that I am not strong enough to be a Stander for the next 5 - 7 years. I'd rather blast him with my honest emotions than play all nicey-nice while he enjoys his 'new life'.
Right now I just want to feel some peace and contentment - which means I want him gone from my life entirely. Zero connection as quickly as I can. That idiot doesn't deserve me - never did and never will.
None of this was helped by the fact that earlier today I attempted to put up the Christmas tree. A nice pre-lit artificial tree. Except I couldn't get the lights working so eventually just gave up. My mood was pretty sad too, as putting up a Christmas tree isn't something that one should do alone.
