Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 11, filing for D

[PsySara]

Thank you Caz. The reality of the situation is I expect that WH will learn remorse over time. He already has to face the severe consequences of what his betrayal has done to my body and mind. He knows I am not the same person I was before his affair. I am less and I am more, if that makes sense. The more I 180 the more he is left to face the fact that I didn't make him step out of the marriage, I am and have always been willing to change. He never gave me a chance to prove this before he rewrote our marital history and betrayed in the worst possible way.

If I unleash my rage and allow my reactivity to control my behavior then it will only last me a short time and then I am left with the ashes of my own destruction. If WH had come to me and told me how unhappy he was in our marriage (basically he just said not enough sex) and that he needed a change then I would have done whatever necessary. If he recommended marriage counseling, speaking with an elder, marriage retreat...whatever, I would have done it. He still leans on how I was "different" before his affair. But the more I show him my best qualities the more he realizes I was capable all along. He was the one that blew up our marriage and he will have to face who he is. I no longer let him see my reactive side as he uses it as justification.

I still struggle sometimes with ruminating thoughts and find myself sliding back into my rage. But then I do thought stopping and three things, something I see, something I feel, something I smell. Mindfulness is helping. I still have a long way to go.

DD passed her Islamic test after a semester of Sunday school, I was so proud of her. WH bought her an expensive gift she has been looking at for some time. She is ecstatic and playing with it now. DS5 also has been studying (too young to be tested) so WH got him a surprise as well. The kids are all bathed, in their pjs and watching a youtube video right now. I'll be tucking them in soon and then I have to shower and use a special medicine to sanitize my body for the surgery tomorrow, WH has to help as the entire body surface has to be wiped down. I'll be taking a few days off from work but can't stay out too long as my patient list will fall apart.

Say a prayer for me friends, I am kinda terrified.