Gordie #14: the end of my M to MLC W, I think

[bttrfly]

So with the exchange rate it seems we have $30 or so in the “team Gordie” chastity belt go fund me... anyone else ready to chip in? I’ve checked - we can personalize it with the following message for a mere $10:

“Team Gordie: All or Nothing!”

[roist]

I don't think he needs one. DB boundaries are enough!!

Go team gordie

Best wishes

[ciluzen]

Woah, Gordie! First thing in the morning? That took some thought, on her part. Not impulsive; so not from the heart, but from the brain. That's kind of scary. She really seems very serious about picking the lock to the cake shop. What's next? Breaking the window?

I admire your strength and resolve. Been following along. Really not sure what to think or say other than I'll send good thoughts for added strength and fortification of your boundaries. Maybe a lock on your (yes, "your") bedroom door? That would send a message, for sure.

So, sending good thoughts...on their way.

[bttrfly]

Love it Cil... lock that door brother!!!

[leahsue]

Gordie,

Trying to get caught up on some special friends' situations. It's a LOT of reading. LOL.

Just wanted to say I'm at the front and center of TEAM GORDIE.

[Gordie]

Team Gordie! You guys are the best. As y'all know, this is a lonely road, but I feel like I have such a great support group in all of you.

Job: to clarify, she filed on me this spring...but then hasn't followed through...and now won't sign the papers. Confusing and messy? Absolutely. Re talking in a quiet and calm place...maybe, but have tried that in the past but hasn't worked...but haven't tried in a while, so maybe worth another try?

Sjohn6/SBJ: an inspiration? Heck, I feel like I'm floundering, but glad I can be an inspiration to someone...I know I have gotten so much of that inspiration from all of you guys--especially you SBJ--so glad I can return the favor.

Bttrfly/Sotto: chastity belt? My goodness, do you know how sexually frustrated I am? Ha, ha, ha...yeah, I know it was just a joke...and it brought a smile to my face...thank you, ladies!

Roist/ciluzen/leahsue: thank you...didn't think about putting a lock on the door, but the little kids often come to my room for comfort in the night, so will probably pass on that idea, but I get your point. Trying to unlock the cake shop? You bet she's trying, but no, it's closed for business.

***

Journaling:

So since our big blow up, not much has happened. I do not initiate contact with her and she continues to initiate contact with me. I have made myself scarce and generally unavailable. When I do see her, I am friendly like a neighbor. I do not touch her, but she increasingly tries to touch me. She did not go out this week at all in the evening and no overnights. No idea what this means re her R with OM2, but it is a change.

I had a follow-up call with my DB coach to ask for advice to see what I should do from here, so here are some of my notes that I hope can help others in similar situations. Of course, I shared with the coach more details than I can write here, but hopefully you can still follow along:

Coach: It's been almost three months of LRT. Are things getting better, worse, or the same?

G: Well, over the past three months, she has spent more time with OM2 than ever before. However, she has gone from screen saver enthusiast, introducing the kids, and planning their wedding to refusing to sign the D papers. In the past two weeks, she has given me the "I don't know what I want" and "I'm sorry for everything" and "I do love you" and "sleep with me."

Coach: What happened when you were angry with her and screaming at each other? Did it make things better, worse, or the same?

G: She said she wished I had expressed myself earlier. I was so detached she didn't think I cared. She wanted to have sex with me. Make up sex has always important to her, but I rejected her. What do I do with all of her questions about us being sexually incompatible?

Coach: You know she was attracted to your passion? Your anger and emotion was sexually attractive to her. Make up sex is great because your emotions are in over drive. And the fact that you rejected her only made you more desirable.

I think you can answer her directly/succinctly and tell her what you told me, that you also wonder if you are sexually compatible. Tell her, yes, our sex life would have to be very different; there would have to be a lot of changes. End it there. Don't get into specifics.

Q. Do you think I should stay in the house or move out? L said it is okay for me to move out.

Coach: Only you can answer that. Don't make any emotional decisions. If you are unsure and want to say something, you can say "I don't know how much longer I can live with you like this."

What did you tell her when she asked if you guys could work things out?

G: I said I won't be plan b. I want to be in a R with a woman who "forsakes all others"...for whom I am the only choice. Yes, I do think we could work things out if we both wanted that, but it would take a lot of work.

So do you think I should be changing tactics at this stage?

Coach: No, it sounds like what you are doing is making things better, so you should keep doing that.

[OwnIt]

Gordie:

Through this questioning I see someone who is thinking about staying in the status quo. I guess I question how that will work. That will look to her like you are safely where you are supposed to be (not pushing divorce, not moving out) and she will feel safer to go back to the thrill of the OM.

I think I'm uniquely qualified to tell you this. I do not believe she will ever sign the divorce papers. My H is passive aggressive and has never been much of a talker, so I don't hear him voice the confusion and uncertainty, but his actions speak volumes. I think he is very content with the status quo because he feels like we are on the shelf, life isn't too scary, and he can do what he wants. I have been too accommodating in allowing him to feel this and it is about to get very real for him in a very big way within the next 3 weeks.

Only you can decide what you do. Don't make fear-based decisions. Respond, do not react. Don't do things because you feel pressure from ANYONE to do them.

Just be 100% honest with yourself about where you are right now and how you feel about it. If you can find a way to live with it, do, because sometimes nothing is the best choice.

When the time is right, you will know it definitively.

If you do nothing else, keep this power you have taken back. Don't give it to her again. She respects the Gordie who stands up for himself. Ultimately you need her to respect you, but more importantly you need to respect yourself.

[HaWho]

Just want you to know that I'm thinking of you.

Along the lines of what Ownit wrote, my concern is that as your w seems to be getting the jitters, sounds like she may be looking to settle things back to how they were prior to the filing.

Seems to me that was a nice spot for her: freedom/fun/newness with OM and meanwhile you there to hold down the fort and be there for her.

She is a massive cake eater. It reminds me of one of the characters on the Sopranos: Ginny. The woman was on a diet and when her h was in the room she weighed all her portions on a scale and followed an extreme diet. And yet no weight came off, on the contrary she was gaining! One day her h returned unexpectantly and yep, Ginny was shoveling tons of food into her face.

This, to me, is the life scenario to which your w wants to return.

[Gordie]

Ownit and HaWho,

Thank you. I weigh your comments heavily because of your own experiences. Your words are sobering. In my heart, I am still hoping for the best, however unrealistic or out of reach it seems.

I’ve also been re reading some of sandi2’s comments and she talked about how she went through a phase like my stbx is doing to me now. Acting all friendly and not running wild but still not in her heart taking responsibility for what she had done and not yet ready to recommit.

Here’s the truth: I have no idea what I should be doing right now. None. Sometimes I say to myself, get out of here! Other times, I say I am stronger than this and I can wait it out.

And yes, she may NEVER sign. And then where does that leave me?

I called about an apartment I want and it’s not available until the new year so I decided to hold off on making a decision. Christmas is next week and logistically can’t move this week, as Andrew pointed out previously.

So I guess I’m still turning things over in my heart and in my head and trying not to make any emotion or fear driven decisions.

***

Journaling

Stbx’s actions since our big argument:

No evenings or overnights away from home

No mention of OM2 and screensaver changed

Re engaged with disciplining the kids

Has tried to talk to me more and initiate non sexual touch

Joined the family at church for the first time in many months

No R talks

***

For those who celebrate: Merry Christmas! Trying really hard to remember all of the reasons we celebrate.

[SBJ]

Stay strong my brother.