By the grace of God

[mleigh4]

Hi guys,

I did some more talking with H and have reached a new place for me. I am keeping this quiet for the most part but know I can share with you guys and be understood.

Last weekend was S night with H. Within 1/2 hour of dropping S off, H texted that he was invited to a bbq and wondered if we could meet up to get Xmas trees, then have S come home with me. I had no plans other than watching movies alone, and knowing S would way rather be home with me, I agreed but let H know I had plans the next day, assuming he understood that meant he needs to have S his normal time on Sunday. Of course he did not understand that, and to make a long story short, S spent the day at a friend's house with everyone thinking H would pick him up but H. H of course blamed that on me, S and the friends mom.

I spent that day at the beach with my friend. It was such a beautiful December beach day in California!! At one point we were sitting watching the waves, talking about our futures, things we hope for, retirement....it became very clear to me that H no longer fits in my plans. I told friend, if I could continue to live my life the way I do, and no longer be married to H, I would do it in a heartbeat. And it hit me again, why can't I do that? I realised I do not want to spend the coming year in limbo land, with another ignored anniversary, Mothers Day and birthday. The future I want does not have that! I want to open a new door for myself, and that entails movement, one way or the other.

That night I picked up S and went home. It was an angry night of texting back and forth between H and I over the misunderstanding of the day. I got ugly in letting him know I am sick of his stupid choices and that he should remember that his missing out on time with S, his living in a s?1t hole and failed marriage are all a reflection of his selfish choices. It was exhausting and I am not proud of how angry I was or some of the things I said.

That night I searched for the reasons of why I am still so angry and all I can figure is it comes from being married to a man who does not want to be married to me. I think I can't help having some sort of expectation with that piece of paper.

The next night I took S to H and asked H for a few quick minutes of his time. I started by apologizing for getting so angry with him over the misunderstanding. He was defensive and explained his reasoning for thinking the way he did, he thought when I said I had plans, that those plans were with S. which I called out BS since I had let him know I was going over the hill for the day and that S was at his buddies for pick up.

I further explained where I believe the root of my anger comes from, being stuck in a marriage that is not moving one way or another, and that it's time to change that. I told him you have 2 choices, agree to counseling to see if we have any chance of saving our family, or proceeding to begin paperwork for a dissolution of our marriage.

He scoffed and said that was not fair to put him on the spot, especially when he was still angry at me. I said H, I am not putting you on the spot, you have had 4 years to figure this out. I told him a new year is around the corner and I will not live it like this, and I will not have another ignored anniversary, Mothers Day or birthday. I told him I will not continue to be married to a man who treats me or our marriage this way, and it may just be a piece of paper to him, but for me it's more than that and I am tired of feeling so angry at him.

He told me, based on things you said last night, you don't even like me. He said I seem way happier without him. He asked do you really believe you could have feelings for me again? He said he doesn't like how I treat S as a friend, I have no rules. I said, so is that your choice? He continued to spin in circles, blame blame blame, all about me.

I stayed quiet and just listened to the same old story. When he was done, I just said, so is that your choice? Why haven't you just filed by now if you so truly believe we could never work this out? Why would you put us all through this? He said he didn't want to rush things, that he was seeing what would happen and it's been up and down, up and down, and we always end up back here.

I told him, well that's not fair because I haven't been treating you like someone committed to working things out with me, I have been treating you like a man who no longer wants me, but making the best of it for our S. You have never said different, so that is unfair to me. He said we have talked about it, we were going to try dating, and nothing ever happens. I exclaimed, you never asked me out!!! All BS, so much BS. So I told him H, I am a fighter, I don't give up, and I don't know if there is anything left or enough to save us, but I would certainly give it a try. But if you don't want that, we go to option 2. He just couldn't say it, he just spins his excuses, so I finally cut him off and went on to our next step, which I had already figured we would do.

I told H we have 3 choices now. We sit down together, go over how we want to live, split up assets together. If we are able to do that, we can save tons of money by only paying someone to prepare and file the paperwork for us. Choice 2 is mediation and a few thousand dollars each. Choice 3 is attorneys, getting ugly and lots of money. Which do you want?

He said either way he is screwed. I said H, no one wins in divorce, we will all be screwed.

He said, what do we do about the house? I told him all I ask is for you to think of the house as an investment and allow S and I to live there until he completes high school. Then we can decide to buy out or sell and split the equity. He said that was no problem and already what he wanted for S. We discussed getting everything in writing to protect ourselves and agreed we should be able to do this ourselves.

He seemed sad, I still get the feeling he isn't sure what to do, but guys, do you understand how tired of his mixed messages and uncertainty I am? The man has no spine, drive, passion or motivation with something so important. This would go on for years. And I would continue to get angrier and angrier with him. In fact, this is how he is. In looking back, he has always been this way, just along for the ride, unable to make decisions unless it was to buy himself a toy of course. Marriage, my suggestion. Child, my suggestion. Buying house, my suggestion. Parties, vacations, decorating, going out with friends, my planning and suggestions. I think it's just the way he is.

My fellow male co-worker says he knows a lot of men who want there wives to tell them what to do, to make all the choices. He, along with a few other friends, have told me they believe H wants me to decide this and tell him what to do. They also think he believes I don't like him or want to be with him.

Whatever it is that H feels or thinks, the thing is, I don't want to be in a relationship where I make all the decisions. I want more than that from someone. I want to feel more equal, than like someone who carries the load. I already learned that does not work for me. And if after 4 years of talks and being around me, if H really believes I don't love him or want this to work, then something just isn't right with us, or I am doing something wrong, and it's best to end this. I don't want a future of wondering if he knows how much I love him!

So I am doing my research and gathering the paperwork to proceed with divorce. I don't know if this is the answer for me but I am going to move forward with it. If at anytime it starts feeling wrong, I will grant myself permission to step back and rethink it. I think we all know it's all on me, H will just be waiting for direction.

Thanks for listening. Our holidays are going on as planned and I am ready and looking forward to a nice time. Most of all, I am looking forward to a new year with changes. One way or a other, something has to change.

Wishing you all a happy holiday season.
M