Ex-h is right.. he told me FOR YEARS.. this is not about me or how it makes me feel.. I GOT IT!! It finally was understood last night..

We had a family gatthering in Quebec last night. I drove to pick-up my son and his girlfriend the night before after work. They spent the night here and we left first thing in the morning. On our way back from Quebec, Son started receiving texts from his dad asking if we were back yet.. how were the roads etc.. loving, caring man that he is.

Well guess what.. I KNOW DARN WELL THAT IF I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN IN AN ACCIDENT, HE WOULD NOT HAVE COME TO OUR RESCUE.. BEEN THERE.BOTH ME AND SON. so why? Why? Why????

i feel like a prisonner. I feel stuck. I am angry and i want to make it better for everyone. I am feeling like i am only good to serve and shout up. I am here to bare all and dare needing anyone. I am not in a good state of mind at the moment.

I feel like i am the new midlife criser and if i was to walk away from it all, everyone would get what they want.
For ex- h : His kids, his gf, his money, his life without me.
For the kids: a chance to have 2 people who work together to create a good life for them.
For me: well, who cares???

Now, let' s rewind: if i was to abandon my life as it is, what would be the truth?
What i have stated above or the devastation i would create?

I KNOW ex-h would NOT be happy wven if i gave him the life he THINKS he wants. If he really wanted to be a father to his children, he would step up. In his heart of guilt, he has a HUGE INSECURITY.He does not beleive he is good enough to be a good father. I wish he would realise that he was and that he could still be.
For my kids : would this new family make them feel whole again?? No. They would feel neglected, abandonned and worthless all over again.

IT IS ALL ON HOW WE LOOK AT IT.. We ALL justify our choices to suit ourselves.. WHY NOT CHOOSE THE GOOD LIFE!!

It is not about me or how it mskes me feel??? It is not about the kids and how it makes them feel????

I say otherwise: IT IS ABOUT US!! And i could NEVER do to them what he has done to us. I could not live with myself.

This is what i have learn from this sh*t h@ll called MLC.