Any advice 5

[gw5263]

|I may have already said this , but its 4 am and my mmind has been racing all night. |W said she stopped loving me about two years ago and only stayed around because of the kids. |She said sex was emotionless and for her pleasure only. She said i made her feel unloved, unwanted, and unattractive, and she cried nightly for a year before grieving and moving on in october 16. She admitted to sexting someone for three weeks in Ocober, then cooled it off and was waiting it out when in february 17 she began to talk to this OM. She said that her relationship with him didnt begin until JUly when we separated for a month, despite the fact that they had sexually charged emails, sent videos, nude pictures etc in april( iwould define that as cheating) She has no desire to be with me or work on our marriage, and wants a life with the OM. That for the past year when she said ILY it wass forced and out of habit

Here is what my thoughts are telling me-
either she is 100 percent telling the truth and i was blind to it all, or

shes lying like a rug and is continually re writing the M history to suit/fit her needs. who would stay around that long if they truly felt the way she says she did? in addition, she has used/manipulated me to get her to a point where she feels comfortable leaving to be with someone else. when this began , i wnt through a month or pure mental abuse from her, dangling the carrot of R to keep me in line and prevent me from exposing OM to the military long enough for her to fly down to georgia to see him. She went so far as to say the S was temporary to last a month so she could have some space. I swallowed all of this due to my emotional state and willingness to do anything to save us.

i know in my case, when i felt the loss of my wife and began to grieve it, i had an overwhelming desire to save us at any cost and fight hard for the M. Surely if she cared she would have fought for us, at the very least indicate that we had issues. i have always been approachable and always talked other issues (finances, child issues, etc)through with her, so i have no ideea why she felt she couldnt bring up the fact our relationship had issues

Basically i just dont know what or how to feel right now. i was doing good on gal and detaching. i guess it is the holiday season affecting me, i keep dwelling ion the fact that this could well be our lasst faamily christmas and its making me feel a certain way. or maybe i am regressing, or spiraling back to the beginning. I have also gotten the old familiar urge to turn him in to the military. His lies to her about housing did it i think. it seems insignificant, but to me it matters. he cant have base housing unless he is married or has legal custody of a dependant. she says he got it because he gets his D three months a year.( wonder where she got the idea for custody in my case). Wrong. i have a friend whois a naval officer stationed on a base. he must be married, single with a full time dependant ofelderly parent. in addition, she says that when we D she will move into base housing with him and the kids. Wrong again, navy hosuing regs state you must be married and the children must be dependants. this matters to me because his lies will impact my children. another reason not to sign the agreement to allow her to move them out of state.

While im rambling, something else is troubling me. I have had the worst case of gut feeling ihave had since this began. I feel like something is going on behind the scenes i know nothing about. OM is on christmas leave. he is going to west virginia to see family, and his route takes him thru our state. the last time he did they met for an hour or two (right, whatever) in a parking lot to talk. I have a strong suspicion he has been thru in the last 24 hrs and they have met again or planned to meet and i ruined that.\
Friday i had a blow out and had to call W to come get me. when she arrived,she was mad and acting as if i orchestrated a blow out to ruin her day. Last day of school for christmass break, a friday when the school dismisses at one pm as usual. i had to keep the caar to get a tire and then pick her up. she was angry when i picked her up and moody all the way to get the truck. later i learned that she told my daughter that i ruined her plans for the day. That night, she mentioned we needed something trivial from the store and i told her i would go because i needed to go to town anyway. angry again. Last night she went to walmart and was gone two and a half hours. she texted several times about gifts for the kids, then on one answer she took 45 minutes to reply. not that it matters much at all, but i strongly suspect she had a meet up and that was what the gut was about.

man, i need to sleep more and think/ramble less