She is saying you are inconsistent and all over the place... Because you are! You are saying so yourself. You are being reactive rather than proactive. You start out on a course but if she does something, anything, you change direction. She says she does not know where you are so you immediately cow tow to her. In other words she says jump and you say "how high?" You must stop this if you'll have any chance.
Look, we all know how hard all of this is. It makes so little sense when you are in the thick of it but total sense when you step back or after you see it work. You know what to do, now do it WITH CONFIDENCE and stick with it.
So I recognize what you are saying and she is saying. I need to take a stand and move forward with it. I am strongly considering the Act "As If..." and focus on how I would act if I thought things were going to turn out for the best... (e.g. no following her around, no placating behavior, no reactionary behavior... but be kind, loving, but detached in the sense that I don't let her BS get to me. I have a month left of her in the house before she moves on... I've heard through the grapevine that she's telling others that I have changed and she is not happy and it's a shame but it's for the best... Her big complaint with me is inconsistency... (I realize that WW and Sandi's rules... but am looking at what had worked in past... it was kindness, being humble, no defending, no reactionary behavior, etc.)
Once she moves out, I think in a month I may need to move more towards the LRT and only speak to her when kids are involved... be reserved, but loving, respond warmly when she does speak to me, but don't go on and on....
Regardless, I'm going to keep electronic communication to a minimum... brief phone conversations only when she calls me, and keep it to kids, be the first to hang up... etc. and STOP ALL M/R/A talk and if she wants to get emotional disengage.
Thoughts?
Originally Posted By: DonH
As for this nonsense of her dictating how you will tell the kids and family, what you will say and how you will say it - NONSENSE. The truth is nearly always the best way. That doesn't mean every detail. However it does mean if something is hot you don't say it's cold. Her wanting to not tell the kids she wants the divorce and you don't is not best for anyone BUT HER!!! That's all that is about. There are many stories on the boards about this including kids hating a dad like you only because they did not know the truth. They then find out the real truth many years later and feel terribly for blaming the wrong person due to wrong information. Your kids are old enough for basic truths - starting with, "we disagree about getting D but I will not stand in moms way". That is simply the truth. I would not bring up OM but if asked, I would not cover either. If your kids ask if either of you are seeing someone else, see my comment above - TELL THE TRUTH. Perhaps better yet, just don't lie! Stating or even sitting next to W while she states "we both want a D" is a lie. DONT LIE TO YOUR KIDS, PATENTS OR FRIENDS. That's just a basic rule of life.
Agree completely on the we both want divorce front... Trying to get her to go see a co-parenting counselor who can help us formulate a response to kids before we tell them...
Thoughts on waiting to tell kids until 2 weeks prior to moveout VS. her intention of telling them 2 days after Xmas? (I think this will associate Xmas with D for the rest of their lives... and hope that the extra month might stop that from happening)... Not certain that spilling the A beans would benefit me during D proceedings (know she's likely to be obstinate at any rate esp. with finances... but worried she might become vindictive and really dig in if A beans are spilled...)
Me 47 STBXW 44 M ~20 D13 S15 BD mid 17 A Disc. 2 months after BD but evidence found ~2yr OM decade older S Imminent D Soon after
