On the long and lonely road - trying to own it

[PsySara]

I am a massive fan of poster PsySara who has displayed, to me, an amazing amount of restraint, calmness and love. I thought I had it in me to emulate her, but as time went on and my WH distanced himself further despite my working on myself, all the time and oh so hard, I've become disillusioned, and over time, bitterness has crept in.

Oooooh sister, if only you were here in person you would see the unsanitized version of my thoughts. I have struggled mightily with rage/hatred/desire for revenge etc., Previously I've had a deep belief in prayer and Allah but have sometimes found myself wondering if there even is a god. I've come particularly close to committing suicide right after giving birth to my last baby and after hearing WH tell me he missed other woman and wanted to re-approach her about marriage (Feb 2016). I actually drove down to the railroad and stared at the tracks for a good hour. (this is what made me expose OW to her family and led her to quit her job and move away from my WH)

I don't tell this to shock but to elucidate that your feelings are normal and to reveal my own struggles. It's taken me 2+ years and I STILL have a lot of work to do so that I don't become the twisted, bitter image you fear becoming. It is a daily labor. But I do it because my children deserve the best and therefore I am working on being the best I can be. But I still falter and then struggle when my thoughts turn to ruminations. I find surrounding myself with loving friends and spending time away from "working on my marriage" has been invaluable. That way I am recharged when I am with my children and can be mindful of these precious days I have with them.

Sister, keep on keeping on. Place yourself in the light and love of those that treasure you. Realize he is the fool and will likely die alone and miserable if he continues his path. You on the other hand continue to strive for success in every facet and will reap the deepest revenge, a life well lived.