My idea to separate has been an epic fail

[Caz49]

I still haven't been able to sleep for 48 hours, but think I will fall asleep soon...as soon as I turn off my laptop!

I've had a miserable day. I think the last few months have finally caught up with me and I'm letting it go. I hope I will do just that and let it all go.

I've got wonderful children, they really are lovely people and we care about one another. I feel sorry for my H that he just doesn't get to be part of that. He'll never have them feel that real easy give and take love that we have in our house. Because he moves through life without living it. It's sad for him and sad for them. My eldest has always felt the disconnection, has overlooked it from time to time, sometimes got angry and resented his dad but always knows what his dad is.

Now I've noticed my middle son feeling the same way. He has made comments that his dad never contacts him but only his sister. That they only ever talk whilst at a football match and then its of nothing of significance.
And they never know his plans, when he's going to turn up...if he's going to turn up. They're not little kids anymore...but they still need a dad that they can connect to.

I'm going to bed feeling that I just can't change whats happening. But I can make tomorrow better, have a better attitude and focus on my future and my children's future and lives. I get to talk to my children everyday, and connect with my daughter most days whilst she's at Uni. I get to hear their jokes, laughter, feel their pain and comfort them and they get to do the same with me. With us its easy (we do argue sometimes!) and I feel proud I can say that.

Ive finally dropped the rope, I can't make my H be a more engaged and connected dad or H. He will have to work this one out for himself.