I just had the fear that if he didn't hear from me, never thought about me, then if things started going right OW would get all the credit.
What I have come to understand with the extensive reading that I have done is that very likely things WON'T start going right with the OW. The Relationship typically starts off well and then gradually goes downhill and eventually fails entirely. It can take a long time, so in the meantime, continue following your own path and try to ignore what he is doing right now. These women are emotional messes as well and often have a personality disorder of some kind. The attraction to each other is because they are so alike emotionally - messed up! If your H was healthy emotionally or if OW was healthy emotionally - either one - the attraction (projection) wouldn't work. It's when both are a mess that an attraction becomes possible.
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my calling him so much really wasn't doing me any favors.
I agree it doesn't do you any favors. I don't initiate contact with my H unless it's important. Even then my contact is either by email or by text. This has two benefits:
1. I don't have to torment myself about whether or not I should call. I just don't call. It was difficult at first but then I felt a LOT better and somehow stronger, if that makes sense
2. Surprisingly (or not), the level of contact has remained the same. There is never more than 4 or 5 days of no contact before he calls about something. When he calls I am relaxed and polite but I won't prolong the call longer than it needs to be. Read some of those very interesting articles on the Pursuit and Distance dance. Turn yourself into the Distancer and let him be the Pursuer.
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good old me to reassure him he is a good person and not the huge failure he thinks he is.
I don't know if bolstering his ego is a good thing? My intuition is to leave that alone and just be neutral. Let him wonder about whether he is a big failure - it just might get him thinking and get him started on working on those internal issues. Don't let him off the hook by reassuring him he's not a failure. That's up to him to figure out.
Hang in there, Hunny. Work on detaching and letting him go. It's a long haul and we are just at the beginning.
