Squinting at the morning sun

[ciluzen]

Thanks, bttrfly! I'm going to pop over and visit your thread soon. I had something to say there, but it was deleted and I didn't have time to rewrite before class. But now I'm done for a few weeks!

I did well on finals and presented my research paper, which is supposed to lead into our thesis. Its funny, my cohort (program-mates) have a closed facebook group where we can communicate with each other outside of classes. I asked if anyone wanted to do a few study sessions outside of classes at a local coffee shop and bakery. The only ones to show one day were the men in my cohort. The next day only one other female and again...all of the men. I truly felt like I was back in college 30 years ago when most of my friends were male! I don't know what it is, but I'm better just hanging out with one or two female friends at a time, but I'm more comfortable with guys in a group. I did grow up as the only girl on my street as a child, so that might be part of it. Anyway, it made me happy, as we got to know each other better and were able to share a bit more about our lives and why we chose our program. They learned more about my intense fear of speaking in public and were my biggest cheerleaders the day I had to present my paper, before and after. I was heavily praised afterwards...needed that so much and am grateful and thankful.

I am flying down into the flames of Cali tomorrow to visit family before Christmas (including XH's parents), but have to work on a painting for a client as much as I can before X-mas eve, so I'm sitting inside watching it dump snow outside. I have made time for a few friends, though. Two of my former work-mates have had their H's of over twenty years leave recently. Both reached out to me (I'm very open about the goings-on of my situation). I can't help but recommend this forum and the meetup site when this happens. I am forever thankful for the wisdom imparted, the supportive members, and all of the loving 2x4s received. Although I don't always agree with some of the advice given, that's ok. We are all different people in different situations, and what works for one may not work for another. I have tried other sites, as well, but none have affected my attitude in this situation as much as this one. There is, in my opinion, so much more wisdom imparted and much less pettyness and unmitigated anger than other sites. Its ok to be angry...as long as it's eventually recognized for what it is below the surface; hurt, pain, sadness, loss. And then dealt with. It paves the way for understanding, which eventually leads to forgiveness; something which never should be forced. You can't fake that til you make it, or the underlying feelings will create the same monster that many MLCers are portrayed as. I see that in many posts; the verbal representation of nodding yes and smiling, but the still-seething anger seeping out the corners or through the teeth of the smile. Understanding HAS to precede forgiveness. I had to learn that myself the hard way...saying I forgave XH, but then attacking him when he was most vulnerable because my hurt was still there. Yeah. Can't be forced.

Anyway, holiday time. Just thinking and sharing. Hope you all are enjoying your day during this joyful, hectic season; or at least making an attempt if joy isn't quite there. So much to be thankful for, when you really look.