Working through recon. Life is full of mountains

[joejoe1]

Update,

Recon is hard as hell.

My wife is really invested in our M and making it work.

She wants to get through all the work needed so we can get to a healthy M.

We went to MC on Wednesday and it was good. The counselor talked about herslef a little to much, but we IDed some areas we need to work on. Trust, being nice to each other and being supportive to each other.

We have been getting ready for Christmas around the house and we communicate a whole hell of alot better. When a arugment seems to arise we both step back and listen to each other and get to the bottom of the problem.

But heres the problem. And I know people would die to be in my place, but my emotional state is all over the place. Some days I want to run and start all over.

I tell myself I want to not work on trusting a person. I want it to just be there (unrealistic I know). I just want to hide some days. I have to constantly remind myself we didnt get here just because of her actions.

I love my wife to death, but it's true that I do get feelings of maybe I deserve better, then I start to feel guilty. What, I feel guilty. The mountains we have to climb in life can be huge sometimes.

My W really sees us as coming out of this as a whole lot better couple. I want to feel that as well. I read about it all the time, how couples M become a hell of alot better after infidelity.

I also have read it can take up to two years to regain trust. Two years, wow!

My W and I are going to write up a text to send OM.

She has been really open about their R. But I still catch her in some lies about what they have done. She says she feels shame and disgusted with herself to think about what she did. I want every detail and she tells me going back to some of those details really depresses her. She don't fight or get defensive when we talk about it or I tell her she's lying. We don't talk about it much anymore.

She has a day planned for me tomorrow. I don't know where we are going its a surprise. I'm really looking forward to the time alone with her.