Separation imminent (cont.)

[Hermes]

Hi Hermes. I totally get where you are coming from and I'm on approximately the same timeline. These are some things that have helped me (a lot!):

EVERYDAY do something good and healthy for yourself. i.e. connecting with friends, partaking in a hobby you like, etc.

Do NOT have any emotional discussions with your spouse. ONLY talk logistics. Be polite and friendly with those, but do NOT respond if she tries to bait you with emotive stuff. You will feel better about yourself.

"Act as if" you are a person with self-respect who is over the relationship. Even though you feel the opposite of that. Ask yourself before you engage with her "How would I act if I had self-respect and was over her"?

I am also working with a coach and using LRT and have found it beneficial for my sanity and moving forward regardless of how husband reacts. Do not beg, give her space. She's on her own journey and you have ZERO control over how she handles it. All you can do is control your own actions and words. And the ONLY response is to take care of yourself, act as if you are moving on, and treat yourself with self respect. GAL. That is your only chance for your marriage and your happiness. Keep the focus on yourself. You can't get into her head and it will only make you crazy anyway. Get out and do stuff. Even if it all feels completely hollow. "Act as if.." because eventually it won't feel hollow.

I really like these suggestions... How do you stick to LRT? are you still living with him? I did this for a week and WW said that I was being cold and distant... then I fall back into being warm and friendly... or when she has a work problem... I try to help her as I ignored her for soo much of our M... can you do LRT and when she needs help still reach out and do this for her? or do you just need to walk away (which in my case is more of the same behavior from the past).

How often do you GAL? I've done it 2-4 x /week and she gets angry because I'm going out and having fun... don't have a job and she's working her A$$ off to support us... (Mind you it may only be for 3 hours to hike on one occasion and on 2 others out with a friend for 3-5 hours where I might spend $30 total). She says I am always gone and is upset by it then says if that is what I need to do she doesn't want to get in my way.

Regarding telling kids. My therapist told me it's perfectly fine to let the kids know who initiated. The main thing the kids need to know is that they are still loved by both of you and that it wasn't their fault. They need to know what will change for them and what won't. Encourage them to ask questions because they will be stunned. My 14 year old asked me if he needed to get a job since Dad is leaving. You have no idea what's going on in their heads, so you need to encourage them to talk. She doesn't get to decide everything. YOU COUNT TOO!

So She wants to tell them Just after Xmas as they will be home for a week to deal with it... I think this will still associate XMAS with D... and as she's not moving out until mid Feb we should wait to tell Kids and Parents until 1-2 weeks prior. She says by telling them and then us living together for another month, they will see how great this will be as we get to show them how little changes for them etc. (I think she's deluded).