Separation imminent (cont.)

[Hermes]

But - why would you WANT to hang around with her parents? Im sure down the line that youll have plenty of time to spend with your parents or your future significant other's family. If your kids want to see them, then she can take them.

they have been like family to me for half of my life... we've spent every major holiday with them since we were married...
But I understand what you are saying... and A) I'm not certain I will be welcomed after this (regardless of how good the D goes) and B) that I would feel comfortable at all doing this.

Maybe now is time to STOP telling her that "You are in".

Like I said before, she has absolutely zero fear that you would reject her if she did come back. That takes away ALL of her incentive to ever want to come back.

so do I say anything? like "I'm done" or just stop talking about M, A, R or even about my continuing evolution and realizations (i.e. the internal ones that she would never see). These are NOT for her...
Guessing this probably falls into the she doesn't care/pursuing behavior/pushing her away sitch... am I right or?

WHAT?!?!

Its hard that SHE doesnt know what YOU are doing? Who gives a crap whether its 'hard' for her? Make it clear that the children are cared for. Otherwise, why on earth does it matter if she knows what youre doing. Its better for you if she doesnt know. Why in the heck would you want to share the details of your GAL with her?

Do you see how she wants you on her hook? She batted her eyelashes at you and you told her everything you are doing. She doesnt want to be with you....but she sure as hell wants you to stay available to her in case she changes her mind later. And every time you open your mouth, you show her that you will be.

I don't really think she does... she's convinced that OM is her soul mate and she's signed a 12 month lease... that in conjunction with ALL the anger she has over past 19 years of marriage and she says that she wishes she was a better person but she's not, she can't get over the past... I'm erratic as heck and getting worse... and she needs for this to be over as it's too hard...

She refused to accept that counseling might bear fruit

If shes already checked out....it wont.

Yup... I get this... I'm just really sad/upset that we never tried together (I get that she was unhappy for a number of years... and just dealt with it, worked harder, tried to talk to me... I know how hard I've tried since May... but we've never actually tried at the same time and that's what the real tragedy is here IMHO.

If she doesnt want a marriage, then you saying that you want to change for her/M just reinforces that in your mind she is the bad guy. Stop pushing the M on to her.

Really good point.

Yeah. These are her feelings now. But they could change. But every time you have this sdame talk it starts you back over at 0. You are so inconsistent, she cant actually trust any of these changes. They all feel like a trick. A trap.

How do I become more consistent? I've tried so many of the suggestions in the book, and I get that I've done most of them for a week or two at best... she uses things like my GAL being out till late at night and her not knowing where I'm going or what I'm doing as another justification of me being inconsistent..

What does consistent look like (LRT)? Did this for a week solid and she said I was cold and distant to her...

I’m getting to point I just want this to be over

Untiul you learn to take control of yourself and to detach....it will never actually be over.

Maybe I’m just feeling sorry for myself but, I can’t stop what’s coming, I can/am gradually making it worse

YOU DONT KNOW WHAT IS COMING.

Who knows what will happen tomorrow or next week or next month or next year.

All I can say with 100% certainty is that you are making this worse with these talks.

I get the thought stopping behaviors, etc... but with the Parent talks looming in under 2 weeks and telling the kids I'm kind of panicking... Maybe once those are out of the bag

More than anything in the world I want a chance to make this right for her/us/kids/family... but reality is I killed off whatever love she had for me long ago.

This IS your chance. Stop following every word SHE says and start listening to the advice you are getting and actually follow it.

I'm so confused... last A discussion she shared about her A and how it started... etc. DB Coach says this is positive because she's becoming vulnerable around me...
Says I need to focus on being humble etc. So I think maybe another discussion like this might bear more fruit... as we don't talk about anything other than Kids or M/A/R these days... I know nothing about what she does etc.