I haven't posted in a very long time and have just revisited my thread for the first time since I last posted on it, i.e. May 2017.
25 - am staggered by your post. Your insight is amazing. It's like you know these people. Except there's role reversal. I think FIL was the one to have the revenge affair. I want to believe you when you say life will deliver its consequences to WH, but I can't at the moment.
Journaling update:
In May I went back home for a few weeks. During that time I hit rock bottom, i.e. came the closest to offing myself. I have never been in so much pain and felt so wretched. It felt like life had nothing to offer but more pain, more suffering, and I couldn't bear it anymore. But when the time came to take action, I found myself curiously detached. And that's when I realise I had hit rock bottom. It was almost a relief, to realise things couldn't get any worse.
I came back to the UK and slowly dragged myself up. Still dragging. To my colleagues at work, to the casual observer, I am a happy smiley person who loves a laugh at work and is always planning the next cup of tea. I've started remembering who I was when WH met me, and am started to reclaim that person. At that time I was a total badass. That girl wouldn't have stood for half the crap he's laid on me. Remembering her and feeling her faintly, a bit of swagger has come back. A bit.
I've stopped messing up at work and am GAL-ing constantly. It's not all about new activities, it's remembering the things I loved to do which fed my soul, things I stopped doing because WH didn't enjoy it or it took time away from WH. Simple things like going to the library and taking hours to choose a book. WH had a horror of the library, anything old or anything that might suggest he wasn't some super cool hipster. I reclaimed my theatre - I haven't been since WH left in 2016 because it was 'our' thing, but a couple of weeks ago I went by myself, sat in the third row and enjoyed it. I did feel sad, but also defiant. He's not taking my theatre from me - time to build new memories.
I am taking my son to Bath for the weekend next week. I am going to start exploring this country more, and go to places where I've never been with WH, to build up my bank of memories which are not connected to WH. I've thrown myself into the parents' social circle at son's school and go around introducing myself and organsing playdates. Today I sat down and booked kiddy theatre dates for the next 6 months.
If you have recently arrived to this board, my sympathies. I want to offer a word of encouragement - it gets better, albeit slowly. When I first started posting here I was constantly almost hysterical. I would spend half the day at work weeping in the bathroom or various unoccupied offices. I was so brittle with pain I felt on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
What changed? Detaching from WH. It hasn't been easy. And still ongoing. These last few months I could have written the anti-DB book, standing on my head - 'Pursuit': Volume 1. 'More pursuit': Volume 2. My IC said to me detaching doesn't happen in one fell swoop (if only). She described it very well - it's like pulling two pieces of velcro apart, slowly, painfully. That's what it's been like for me. It's helped that WH has been cruel, very cruel.
He told me about 6 weeks ago that OW is the love of his life (while she listened in), and that he was happier with her than he ever was with me, even at the best of times. When I heard him say that something in me died. I think it may have been my love for him.
He's changed his perception of things - when he first left he was solicitous of my well-being, buying me groceries, helping around the house. He sent me an email where he describes his guilt, how he would feel haunted by what he's done to me every minute of the day, how he would never stop thinking of me. I deleted it in a fit of pique. I wish I hadn't now because he's changed his tune. Apparently this is all my fault. I am such a hideous, horrible monster that I broke him and OW was his salvation - me, the evil witch has destroyed him and fair maiden OW has gently pieced him back together. Puke and double puke. On them.
Maybe I am an evil witch. I'm guessing a fair maiden would not double puke on anyone.
All this while I have been a stander, albeit a rubbish one. Right now, I'm not sure anymore. I've come back to the boards to update my sitch because I am struggling with this new phase I am going through, which is total and utter hatred for WH. My hate is pure, deep and black. The only thing which surpasses my hatred for WH is my love for our son, and the desire to have him with me all the time instead of half the time. For the first time though, that love only exceeds my hatred by something like 5% now. I see the person I will become if I continue on this path - she's bitter and twisted. WH will take my soul if I don't fight this.
My stand has also been compromised by my faith. It remains but is shaken. WH is happy. I know I am supposed to focus on myself only, but it's not easy when I have to see him swanning around at least once a week.
I am a massive fan of poster PsySara who has displayed, to me, an amazing amount of restraint, calmness and love. I thought I had it in me to emulate her, but as time went on and my WH distanced himself further despite my working on myself, all the time and oh so hard, I've become disillusioned, and over time, bitterness has crept in.
Fellow standers - how do you do it? Issues of hatred for WH aside, I feel disappointed in God. I get sent endless devotionals from well meaning friends about how much God loves me etc, but the God I experience is silent and indifferent. I am SO tired of people telling me God wants me to work on myself first before changing my husband. Sorry, but isn't adultery kind of a big no-no in the Bible? They stoned you for that kind of crap, old school style. I'm not asking for a stoning, just a gentle ass-kicking. I would be satisfied with withdrawal of privileges. But nope - privileges abound. It's p!ssing me off.
