Thank you for checking on me. Needless to say, I do not visit here much these days. Partly because I am not currently wanting to save my M and also because I don't know how good it is for me. Coming here often keeps me in a negative thinking loop: this M is broken and I need to fix it. That does not draw me closer to my H, but perpetuates the stress and sadness. I also don't like the attitude that is so pervasive on these boards that the LBS is the victim and that the WAS/WAW is the perpetrator (the MLC, the alien, wayward, cheater, fog, selfish, "typical behavior," etc) and all the negative connotations and labels we put on them to demonize them. I would much rather understand and empathize, because my goal, whether I save my M or not, is to truly forgive my H.
Part of what has pushed me away from my M over the last couple years has been the "working on it" and those constant reminders that it is indeed broken. Even when we got towards the end of the Retrouvaille program, I found myself more and more thinking, "why are these couples still together?" Some of them outlined multiple types of abuse, however prided themselves on sticking it out. While I don't judge them for doing what is right for them, I did begin to question where my own bottom line is. My personal goal is not to save my M at all costs, but it is to want to save my M and love him for who he is, despite our hardships.
Also, when I read threads here, including my own, I feel that some of the posters are judgemental and preachy. I don't think that type of shaming really serves anyone in a positive way. In fact, I am reading a book on shame that has been insightful, and what I am getting from it is that those that shame others, do so because of their own personal feelings of fear and shame. One of the ways we can "shame proof" ourselves, is by understanding others and by being truly empathetic. So I hope that no one here feels that I have judged/shamed them, but that I have offered advice that is sound and helpful, even if buried in a 2by4. If not, I will be more mindful of doing so as I move forward. I hope others will as well. It is not our job to come here with our own moral compass and force others to follow it.
I don't have much to update, because as I said before, I am not in a space where I want to save my M. I have communicated this to my H over the last couple months. Things have been difficult at times. I also have freed myself up of the burden of having to constantly work on this M. I think for the first time I am really learning what it means to 180 and GAL, and I am starting to really enjoy that. I am starting to love doing things that I never thought I could before. I have less depression and anxiety, and I feel more clear headed. I keep hoping that if I can continue on this path, I will chose my H out of my own free will. I want to chose him from a place of strength and happiness, and not out of fear and desperation.
Unfortunately, when kids and finances are involved, things are not so simple. If we decide to physically separate, that will be a challenge and take a toll on all of us. That is the part that makes me the most sad. I know things cannot continue as they are right now, but I also am still not sure how they will look moving forward. Now that I am emotionally detaching from H, I am starting to see him in a different lens. He is wonderful actually. I wish that I could feel differently about him and I hope that I do one day.
In terms of OM, well as I think I said before, that does not have much significance to me. He was a reminder that I am still desirable, sexy and fun, and that attraction is not something that I have felt in a long while. We really can be attracted to others, we are all human. So it ran hot quickly, and then it ran cold even more rapidly, and that is okay. We really don't cross paths much anymore, but I consider him a friend, and maybe a guy I will always see as hot/exciting/unattainable? I dunno actually. I chalk it all up as a part of the learning. Now that I have let go of the death grip on my M, I am finally starting to learn valuable things about myself. For the one millionth time, I wish I had done this starting from BD! ... But it is never too late. I am not going to sit and dwell on my M anymore, I am going to live my life ...
I hope everyone has wonderful holidays! It is okay to put all the hard feelings, anger and sadness, on the back shelf for a bit and just enjoy a moment. Or few. And then more than a few.
Cheers, Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
