Fighting my way out of the dark - Part 7

[Accuray]

Regarding how STBX speaks to you, I'll share my approach to parenting. I see parents deal with kids where they have to argue and negotiate everything. They'll say that the 10 year old cannot bring his toy car to the restaurant, and he'll have a tantrum, and then they argue back and forth and then eventually they cave in and he brings the car, or they make some compromise where he can bring the car for 10 minutes, etc. etc.

The problem with that approach is that it's just constant and repeated stress for both parties. With kids, certain things need to be non-negotiable, and when you establish a non-negotiable early on, everyone is happier because everyone knows the rules and there are no ongoing arguments, less stress.

In my case, I didn't allow my kids to have tantrums. If you're going to have a tantrum, go to your room, and come back when you can communicate, but I won't indulge a tantrum, and I won't respond to it. Kids will test your resolve, so you need to be consistent. After a couple attempts, my kids figured out that tantrums are a cheeseless tunnel and they will never get what they want that way -- no more tantrums. They simply understood that they will not be tolerated and everyone was much happier as a result, my kids learned how to process their emotions more productively, and I didn't have to deal with tantrums ever.

The same approach applies for dealing with STBX's snark. Everything about you, your tone, your body language, everything has to reflect firm resolve that this will not be tolerated. It won't provoke a reaction, it won't provoke you to engage, it just won't do anything. When you make it clear that there are no cracks in your armor, and that being snarky will never get her satisfaction, then she will stop doing it. It's no fun to provoke someone who doesn't respond.

Set in your mind and repeat "I will not accept Snark from STBX". When she gets snarky, shut it down and your reaction must always be the same -- "Not okay, I will not stand for snarky comments", said calmly and with authority.

Acc