job - Thank you. You are right, the snooping has to stop. As much as I feel like I just have to know....I have to stop. Today was a far worse day than it needed to be because of it. It was a poor, poor pitiful me party and it hurt only me. I'm not even sure why I thought it was a good idea to even think about looking.
The mother ship comment has me thinking about Independence Day. If we were to take it out would all our MLCers come spilling out back to normal. If only it were that easy.
sjohns6 - I feel like I broke him. And deep down I know I can't fix him but I'm still throwing bandaids at him.
I don't know how successful I will be but I am going to try and stop the snooping. I just thought if I knew then I wouldn't have to wonder.
The holidays and birthdays are horrible. My birthday this year was one I don't want to remember. And like you it isn't because of how old I am. Don't even get me started on the dreaded wedding anniversary. That was the one weekend H managed to go on a little trip with OW and also when he introduced her to his family. Well at least the ones that hadn't already figured it out.
peacetoday - My H is also willing to hand over the house. He said he would like to keep the boat, motorcycle etc. but to think about what I want or what needs to be sold. Just another thing to confuse me since I expected him to want to keep everything.
It is scary to see how far down they have to fall. I don't enjoy being me very much right now (need to seriously work on that, I know) but I would not want to be your H or mine. I know my faults and the things I have done wrong in our marriage and they are hard enough to face. I don't want to ever wake up one day and realize I walked away from everything and don't even know/remember why.
galpal - True. They are so far in the fog and it is too soon to know what outcome we will face. I've read and re-read the threads about detaching and getting a life. But I have to be honest with myself and you....I'm terrified.
So because of this I mostly walk around looking like a zombie with tears in her eyes 24/7. Don't get me wrong, out of vanity I made sure to look my best the very last time I saw H. Took advantage of the weight I've lost because of this insane situation, put on some makeup, heels and a dress like I would have done before I was the me who didn't care how she looked...after all he loved me no matter what. And you know what, he didn't notice. I honestly don't think he looked at me once. I know it's awful but I make a game of counting how many different ways he can try to not have to look at me. One day he even turned around completely and carried on a conversation with his back to me. I commented on it and that actually was about the time he just started to go out of his way to not "see" me at all.
We both need to work on our snooping...way easier said than done. I'm not sure why his buying her gifts threw me for such a loop. I mean come on, this random woman is sleeping with MY husband and they believe they are perfect for each other. And I lost it over some crappy presents?!?! That is the least of the problems.
A huge thank you to all of you guys for sharing your insights with me.
