Newbie trying to gain control

[Gordie]

S: I said "you are packing an overnight bag? Its Tuesday, you should come home after if you can". She said "I'll see what I can do, but it is soandso". I said "yeah, but she isn't a teenager anymore". Not sure if that was a good thing to say or not, but that was pretty much the end of the conversation.

G: I didn’t like how you handled this. She is a grown adult and does not need your permission to go out even if you don’t like it. Either (a) ignore it and don’t expect her back until the next day as it was obvious what was going to happen or (b) ask her directly—when will you be home (said without judgment, just matter of fact)?

S: As per normal these days, we did not text, email, or call the rest of the day. In the evening I picked up the kids from school, got s some dinner, and went home. She did not show. I did not get a cal, text, or email letting me know that she would indeed not be coming home.

G: you need to lower your expectations to zero.

S: This morning when I got up, I was worried and I did some snooping to see if I could tell whether she was still alive/not in jail.

G: this is really hard to do...but you’ve got to let go.

S: I have snooped a little recently and it always proves nothing other than she has plenty of communication with everyone but me. She seems to be done with destructive replay, but still indulges in selfish/insensitive behavior, but even that seems to be dwindling a bit. Main issues now are that she still doesn't seem to want to be with me. Sorry, got off topic...so when I snooped this morning (the phone bill to see if there was any activity), I saw 3 calls last night around 11:30. The first was very close to my number, but a couple digits off.

G: who dials actual numbers on a cell phone? Aren’t you a contact? Sounds like a call to someone else.

S: The next 2 calls were my old work number. I haven't had that number in almost 6 months, but I'm sure she still has it in her phone. Basically it looks like she made some kind of attempt to call me, but I guess was to drunk to get it right? Very weird, but...she did attempt a call.

G: or butt dialed. You have no idea.

S: Then, shortly after I got a text from her saying that she had stayed at her friends house and that she would see me this evening

G: do you believe her?

S: Several minutes later I replied with "ok". She then sent me 2 more texts asking if I wanted to go to my sisters on Friday and that my sister had gotten a new video game. I did not reply to that one.

G: so she goes out all night doing who knows what with whom...and now she is trying to make everything sound normal.

S: She does not know that I know that she tried to call last night (not that it matters, her attempts did not lead to an actual call).

G: you don’t know that either.

S: This interaction has me confused on how to respond (not to the text, just in general when I see her) for several reasons. First, in the past I would have no problem with her going to a friends to celebrate their birthday...even if it ended up being an overnighter if she drank too much in celebration. Of course she wouldn't have done that mid week anyways, but if she had I would have been ok with it. I feel like this kind of thing has become a trigger for me since it mimics the behavior of when she was acting a lot more wild. Although maybe in bad taste to go get drunk mid week and stay at a friends when you have a family at home, but in the grand scheme of things it wasn't that bad. I want to be able to not get so frantic when little things like this pop up. I am not condoning the behavior, just accepting that my internal reaction may not match the situation. I feel angry and disrespected.

G: Trust your gut. Do you believe what she told you about where she was and with whom?

S: Another issue I have is that I have been reading Amy's old posts and seeing that in order for W to eventually come out of MLC, she has to see me as a safe place and believe that I could forgive her. I know that replying to her in anger or being judgmental will not facilitate that. I know that she is not at a place right now where that matters completely, but I want to work on that being my perspective. To detach and let go while leaving the light on. To not care as much about her crazy antics while still maintaining the stability that will be needed if she is to eventually come out of it.

G: this is hard. Some possible actions (not sure which is right for you):

1. Stranger. Total indifference to where she went and with whom. Don’t ask and if she brings it up, show little interest.

2. Friendly neighbor/roommate. Just ask, how was the party? Show a little interest. Don’t interrogate her.

3. Husband. You can say, I was really worried about you last night when I didn’t hear from you. I’m glad you are safe. I’m upset that you didn’t tell me where you were and that you decided to stay overnight when you said earlier in the day that you’d let me know.

Not sure where you are in your journey. But for me right now, I do #1.