Maika, sorry for the delayed response. I do think before you get too far out that a change in your approach can't hurt so long as you ensure it looks nothing like pursuit. As discussed, the bonus for you is you are not aware of OM and the reality is, although we have time to think about these things, if you haven't seen evidence of OM in 6+ months, it's probably because there isn't one...yet. What you don't want is to regret not making a change in your approach after she meets someone. Once she does, I do expect you will notice a big change in her demeanor. I doubt very much there will be hugs. So go ahead, but do it in subtle ways.
For example, make an offhand comment about some fun activity you have planned with the kids. If she bites by asking more about it, or says, that sounds like fun, then extend a casual invite by simply saying, "the kids would love to have you there if you wanna join us, in fact, D5 asked if mommy was coming" (even if she didn't). No chance she verifies that with D5. That's one advantage of having young children if R is still the goal. If she doesn’t bite, no invite.
Don't overdo it though. There were a few family invites that I declined in the past year or so that may have had us in a better place today if accepted. The problem you have of course with refusing these offers, they eventually stop coming. Because this is them swallowing their pride a little and if the answer from us is consistently no, that sends a message. But...but, if you accept, you need to make sure you're not trying too hard, keep it about the kids, follow her lead. Maybe even cut it short early and say you have to get the kids home for whatever reason. Leave her wanting more! Another reality, she can find nothing that competes with having her children with both parents at the same time. No matter who she (or you) might bring into the fold at some point in the future, it can't compare to the family unit, especially from the perspective of the children. My kids freak out when they see us together. That in and of itself might be telling, if she comes back for more, a good clue where her head is at. If she doesn't, it's because it's too painful a reminder of a life she has no intention of going back to and doesn't want the children getting accustomed to being with both mommy and daddy.
The important point here I think is you don’t want your NC to have them thinking that they can’t approach you with something, a suggestion that may work as one small step toward mending the relationship. Somehow you have to let them know you are still agreeable without putting any pressure on them to look your way.
At some point, if she is thinking at all about whether she overreacted, or is having regrets (both of which she will NEVER admit), she will say or do something that reminds you of the W you had when you were married. Then it's on...
But I don't want to influence your DB'ing, you are doing great since the big experiment and learned a valuable lesson there. These women are difficult to understand and may still just be waiting for another opportunity to say no. Bear in mind that I am nowhere near a reconciliation. Indeed, you seem to be in a much better place right now (but could still be just as far from reconciliation as I am, that’s the problem, you never really know). If you read the most recent post by Coconut, his ex-wife is being nice and he now realizes there is no going back and really wants nothing to do with her “niceness”, it sickens him (his words). You really have to wait for them to get to a point where there can be no mistaking how they will respond when you finally say, "Are we actually doing this again?" And even then, even then, she might respond with "maybe".
As someone once said, in twenty years, who gives a $hit anyway?? So you had to eat some crow by agreeing to let her eat some cake once every couple weeks (or once/month seems like a good concession without being too nice), if she warms a bit and begins spending more time with you and the kids, it necessarily means less time for one of her girlfriends to say, "you know, my husband has this single friend who is a super nice guy..."
