25yearsMLC 10 Later I FILE D part 8

[25yearsmlc]

As I come to what may finally legally end my 35 year (36 if you count the separation year, which I'm not) marriage,

I know I will reflect and comment here. What I have learned (and it won't all be about how terrible a h or marriage I had was,)

and what I wish I had known. There are no time machines, but in the marriage if there are "issues" - then DEAL WITH THEM THEN - problems do not go away & they won't magically improve with time, like a fine wine.

So don't spackle over the red flags b/c you are so attracted to your mate or SO invested in the marriage that you overlook some things....
Overlooking certain things is not the way to save a marriage.


I have more GDC to deal with, and last night at DivorceCare (which is 90% helpful, 10% a bit too preachy for me with the videos)

a KID from a divorce was our speaker. It was powerful. Damn sad but WE all know this, don't we?


I have 2 of my kids coming for Christmas for a week. SO MY NEW PLAN is all about projecting how well I am doing and focussing on THEIR lives.

My health crap from a year ago terrified them so first off they need to know I'm focussed and okay now (mostly) and I want my kids to see me as empowered and healing, AND forward looking.

Me, the NEW East Coast Mama, moving forward...

(Though I reserve the right to move west again!!)

THEY need to know I'm okay and now they need to be MY focus. I've been too pre-occupied with my own pain and health issues and now that my health seems to be pretty good

the only thing I can DO for my kids is by my actions - and not spending time discussing the div (I will briefly answer their questions but then leave it at that).

My quandary is that they have asked me NOT to defend h, but they also -- I FEEL - that they also seem saddened by discussions of h.

I don't want to cover for h again, but there's a fine line between that and bashing him.


Circling back to the original point (projecting my new healing life and checking in on my kids pain b/c even though they are "grown", they are still made up of half of his DNA). He is part of who they are. Trashing him in any way is subconsciously at least, trashing a part of them.

And what's to say? For the most part , H's behavior speaks for itself. No need for me to comment, really.

SECOND

My kids are meeting some of my new friends when they are here and I asked if they were comfortable meeting M, "a guy I'm dating".

I made it very clear this is NOT THE MEETING of your new daddy!"

M & I just began dating 3 months ago, but as he's only here in the area, for 2 nights over the holidays and one of those nights I'm hosting a gathering anyhow.

I specifically asked both kids (which I know I've done before but wanted to confirm)

Kids both said "totally fine" "glad to hear you are finally dating", ("finally?" ouch)

and "mom, it's no big deal".
And then D20 said "thank GOD you're dating someone who treats you well!")

a little bittersweet^^ but mostly sweet. And some of their cousins will be there so they have millennials and "their people" too.

It's a group setting and the first real "gathering" I've hosted since moving into my place.

Yay!

I did give it a lot of thought. Thing is I don't want to "overthink it" (as my brother said).

Meeting some of my HUGE family of extroverts (as M did 2 nights after Thanksgiving) - by adding a few "extra folks" is not the same as "presenting" someone to them.

They know the difference, so does M, and so do my kids.

My family likes him, btw. They say he "Seems very kind/smart" but hey, if my kids notice something I have "overlooked", I'll listen.

S31 already asked about projecting too much onto M and I said "that's exactly what we discuss in DivorceCare and I was absolutely guilty of that in the m. Good point, but one which I'm aware of."


DBers, if anything, I'm over scrutinizing M for any red flags while also trying to just go with the flow and enjoying our time together.

M and I may well be like those passengers on a plane crash who help each other navigate through a horrible time, but are not meant to be together. And I'm quite okay with that.

so I think I'm doing okay.

Back to being MORE than okay and helping my kids see the new me and faking it till I make it.