You belong here. You are trying to convince yourself that you are not worthy of your h. Stop that! No marriage is a bed of roses 24/7. We all have made mistakes, but that doesn't give anyone the excuse to go out there and find someone else w/o exploring the current relationship and attempting to work on it before making such a major move.
From what you've posted, you are a very caring and good person, so, please, step off that soap box of pity, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and then pull up those big girl panties and keep moving forward.
Everything that you described in your last posting screams someone is in crisis. If you have read the homework that Cadet created, visited the other threads, you would realize that your h is no different than the rest of the spouses/companions that are on the Mother Ship.
You need to stop snooping because it serves no purpose but to bring you down and to tears and self pity. Right now, your focus needs to be on you and what you need to do to get thru the holidays. What he does out there is nothing more than the "I need to feel good about myself" attitude.
Now, have a good cry and then pull up those big girl panties and let's get moving on doing some things to make you feel better.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
