IC : My WAW has been asking me to go for years. I have never gone because of a serious trauma related to IC that I have been suppressing for years. I've just had my 3rd IC session. The first one was terrifying. I was literally having a panic attack about it. I almost didn't make it in the door. The second one was awful. I couldn't sit down before it, I just kept pacing around the waiting room for 10 minutes before my session. The third one was better, I was able to sit calmly and wait. It is helping. I feel more hopeful than scared at them now, which is an astonishing turn from just 3 sessions. My IC guy says he is impressed with how hard I'm working and how committed I am.
Listening : I'm working hard at listening to my wife. I still have bad habits of tuning her out and missing followups once I think the conversation is over (and assume she's talking to the kids or something.) Just last night this tune-out happened, when I didn't realize she was getting a snack for our S just before dinner. Recognizing when I fail and keeping at doing better is what I'm doing here. This is especially problematic for me when I am distracted making dinner/doing chores/etc. I don't multitask as well as my WaW, at all.
Parenting : Whenever she disagrees with me on parenting in the past, I've gotten excessively angry about it and claimed she was 'cutting me off at the knees' and teaching the kids to disrespect me, etc. Last night, we had a misunderstanding about what S7 was allowed to eat before dinner, and I started into the 'trying to control the parenting thing' but managed to back down. Three times I tried to control it, and three times she patiently redirected. I later apologized about it and said "You were right, you were handling the snack, I didn't need to keep butting into that." to which she replied "never mind, it doesn't matter." Not exactly a great response, but I'm still trying.
Sharing : I realized I haven't told my WaW a lot of things about my past. Telling her now, however, is kind of hard without tying it into the BD/D that's ongoing, but I'm trying. I have serious abandonment issues that have also recently come to light, which manifests in withholding info, not asking for help, trying to appear perfect, and deflecting and anger when my imperfections are recognized by people I love. However, doing this counts as chasing, so 180ing on this is... tricky.
Anger : My IC is helping with this, even if we're focusing on Trauma right now. People with a history of trauma apparently have a fight or flight response turned waaaay up. On a scale of 1-10 where 10 is rage/panicked flight, and 1 is completely relaxed and calm, I don't think I've been below a 4 for decades. In the Avengers when Banner says "The secret, Captian, I'm always angry" I was like "OMG THAT IS SO ME! And not in a good way!" I'm doing deep breathing exercises pretty much constantly through the day to bring that excitation level down. I have managed to make some remarkable progress, but I need to make it stick. Even thinking about this while I write it has made me need to do a few deep breaths to bring me back down. IC thinks this is tied to how I was raised. (Emotionally unavailable parents with vigorous physical punishment.)
Also, Geeze, FastCars. 3 BDs? 1NS? I don't know how you persevere, sir. That's a bit inspiring.
Me: Mid 40s W : Early 40s M:11 T:13 S, D, both 7-10 BD : 11/2017 Separation : 1/18
