Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 11, filing for D

[PsySara]

Hey guys, I am listening and taking it all in. I have placed clear boundaries and will not tolerate any disrespectful or sarcastic comments from WH. He knows I filled my tank with his past bullsh*t and it's full, no more allowed. He has been attentive and helping with the kids, household shores, asking after me and overall making changes. We still disagree but now we do it differently. We talk about what we desire and how we feel when the other feels differently and decide what we're going to do about it. Do we still get irritable with each other? Heck yeah! But we no longer use each other as a sewage to dump our emotional waste on either.

I still get triggered about his past behavior but then I work on being PRESENT in the now. I need to focus on what he's doing now because if I start to ruminate then it brings me pain and anger. And what do I do with that? It just hurts me and retards our process of healing. It will never, ever be just. He will never, ever be able to "make up" for his past treatment. But he can be a better husband and father now and I can be a better mother and wife.

I have let go of the outcome and know that if WH ever cheats again I can hold my head up high and walk away. I have exhausted every.single.option. I feel more happiness than sadness, more peace than conflict, but it is a slow and painful growth for me. So many times I temped to return to my old behaviors, critical, sarcastic, rigid. But not only was I not happy in that state, my children and H were also being dragged along. I don't walk on eggshells but I do check myself when it comes to initial reaction.

Someone here has a tag line that says something like, "Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% how you react to it." That really struck a chord in me and I have tried to let it resonate. Anger may drive someone to accomplish a short term goal but it can quickly burn a person out in the long run. Initially the only emotion I could cope with was anger but it really came down to running away from my pain. I brought this up with my DBing coach a long time ago, he said that anger was not an authentic emotion, that it usually covered pain or guilt or shame. In my case it was definitely pain.

Today WH and I had lunch together. He was kind of quiet and withdrawn. I reflected his silence but in more of a calm, contemplative way. I used to feel pressure to fill up the silence so I am not perceived as boring or "less than" the OW. Now I know if he has something he wants to share with me he will share it in his own time. I also don't need to know All The Thoughts like I used to. There is a serious lack of sex but I am not sure I am ready yet. WH is making no moves and I am not sure how intimacy would be perceived by him. This is an area I find myself unsure of for the first time ever. Advice? I want that intimacy back but don't know how to broach this topic without making clinical and awkward.