Friday night for S15's b-day dinner, I was nervous about how the in-laws would react to me. When I walked in I smiled, and they all greeted me with handshakes or hugs. I had some good small talk with them. I talked to them more than STBXW, and I might end up missing them more in the long run. STBXW actually got mildly drunk on margaritas and needed a ride home with me. It seems she'd planned on that since she uber'ed a ride to the restaurant.
Saturday I met with my IC, and she said I did the right thing by going to S15's b-day dinner. She confirmed that my kids' needs have to absolutely come before any issues that exist between STBXW and me.
On Saturday I took both kids to a paintball place as a little "guy time" celebration for S15's b-day. S15 was his usual noncommittal self and actually said he didn't know if he wanted to do it when we pulled up to the place. I talked him into trying it out, and we ended up playing 4 games. In the end, everyone had fun, but TBH I had the most fun of all!
Met the NGS group for a night out at a bar/restaurant. We had some great convo. I'm glad I have a group of guys I can go out with and share personal info in a "safe" place. They all tell me how bright the future's gonna be after STBXW moves out and I start to move on to future R's.
On Sunday I spent several hours helping S10 finish a school project while simultaneously fixing something on the fridge. Accomplishing 2 things really put me in a good mood. Then I brought him to his Sunday School class, and when I picked him up, the teacher wanted to talk to me. She said they'd been discussing the sacrament of M and S10 said he didn't want to talk about it since his parents are getting a D. He wasn't in trouble, she just wanted to let me know they'll give him the option to not participate in a discussion if he's getting uncomfortable. I got really upset that the D has made it difficult for him to sit in Sunday school. I felt so bad for the little guy. I got mad at STBXW for putting him through this.
Last night STBXW and I discussed the things she wants to take when she moves out. Overall the discussion was civil and productive. Her requests were mostly reasonable but there were a few things I need to think about. When I told her I was thinking about being present when she moved out, she got upset and told me not to. She said I'd be very uncomfortable watching it happen. This did have me wondering if suspected OM might be part of the moving crew. She ended the talk by saying she tried to save the M for years, and she started to cry. I was about to validate but she cut me off. She said she understood my anger with her, but she knew I would treat her with distrust as soon as she told me she wanted to D. She said I've made her feel like a criminal by treating her the way I do.
This morning has been rough for me. I wonder if I'm more responsible for the failure of the M than I've admitted to myself. That makes me feel like cr@p.
Sometimes I question whether I should stop posting here. I'm not sure I'm setting a good example for others. I'm not a good DB'er. My anger has probably been my biggest hurdle.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
