My idea to separate has been an epic fail

[Caz49]

So really just journaling.

Not much has happened. We've had two health scares recently. My son had a lump that needed checking at the hospital. My H wasn't really in contact, didn't seem that concerned but he did send two messages that day. One to offer any monetary aid if son needed it and asked if I got to the hospital okay. No words of sympathy or concern, not that I was expecting any...but deep down I thought he would offer some words of comfort, after all its his son and surely he must have realised how worried I was. TBH, I wasn't worried about the lump, but I was worried because my S was worried. And he is obviously worrying himself over something to get worked up by this medical issue.

The other text was quite a nice one. I had informed him that day that my lump now appears to have reduced in size and is probably hormonal. That I will still be needing an exploration but it looks like it will simply be a precautionary measure.
Im angry with myself that I let him know at all, it made me look needy and pursuing. The reason I had let him know was because I was asking if he still had health insurance for the family. I thought I'd sounded ambiguous so I filled him in briefly on why we may need it if necessary. He had said no, we didn't have it but he was thinking about renewing it for ALL of us, which I thought was very strange as we're separated now.
Anyway he sent a text saying how thats great news (that my lump could be due to hormones) and two smiley faces.

My counsellor has said much the same as DB...to not text anymore and let him make any further contact. And that's exactly what I'll be doing now that these health scares have passed. My Dr's appointment is on the 21st of this month but I'll be going and not mentioning it again. We worked on strategies to get me over the way I feel when he dismisses me, when he doesn't contact me or stares me down. It was such a good session. Plus we're moving beyond talking about the past and going onto the future. How to make a new life for me, to get back to the old me but with a fresh start...which is including personal training from her! So I get two for the price of one, counselling and exercise, brilliant!

My H hasn't seen the kids properly for 5 weeks. He saw two of them briefly for a few hours Saturday. He was due to see them all Sunday and take them out for the day but there was a huge snow dump all night and day. I told the children that if it makes it easier (and safer) he should come and spend time with them at the house. I had to walk my dogs and I have a horrid cold, so I knew I would be cocooned upstairs in bed working anyway. He replied to the children's text that he would 'try' but I guess getting back to work in Germany was more important than seeing them.
I've not heard from H but they say he got back safely (normally I would text and ask but this time I pictured my IC face and held off!!...well my son said 'yeah he text, but I've not looked at it...I guess he got back okay'

I asked my S how he felt that he'd not seen his dad in so many weeks...he shrugged and said 'Its no big deal...I'd feel unhappy if I didn't see you for that long though'

I just feel sad he feels that way. I know he's an adult, but it pains me. BUT I'm not 'fixing' their relationships with their father any more.