We are both working on showing each other how treasured we feel toward each other. I remind myself that I always kept myself well groomed, soft spoken and laughed a lot when we first met. Even though we're married I try to look amazing around him because it's so easy to slide into complacency. I was thinking about this the other day. I never lash out at work, or dress like crap, or just dump all my problems on a colleague. Why was I doing that to WH in the past? Probably because I took him for granted and just assumed he would always settle for whatever I had leftover at the end of the day. That was my mistake, complacency. I also let my resentment build up and instead of approaching him in a loving manner to help out more with the kids and household stuff I would berate him and hen peck him. Looking back I am surprised he didn't tell me to go pound sand much earlier. I had become his mother and not his wife.
Hi Psych
I am glad that you are close to piecing and in a much better place. You are a very hard worker and certainly did everything that you could to save your marriage.
When I came on here, I really wanted to save my marriage. I was (and am) too angry though to really implement what might have worked. And I often look back at how I acted in my marriage and feel shame for not being a perfect wife and partner. I often wonder if I was a better person and spouse, would my ex not have suffered from his addiction problems, went into secret debt, and left me and my son?
When I read this paragraph you wrote, it made me want to play devils advocate and not because I want for you to be angry at your spouse, but because your voice is also mine.
What you are writing sounds exhausting. To have to be constantly on (Like we are at work) And perfect. At all times. When the kids are small, when we are sleep deprived, when we are exhausted. Chances are, our spouses were not perfect either. But we did not do things to betray or end or put at risk our families safety and security.
What makes marriage so much more difficult and perhaps sacred from other relationships like those in work and school is that marriage is supposed to be unconditional (with exception to betrayal and addiction) People, couples do lash out, and dress poorly, and smell bad and get sick and sad and nag. Its what we do because we are human. Our spouses might not like it, but they are just as imperfect and we dealt with them. Now this is not an excuse to not put effort into your relationship. But there should also be a grace period granted by our spouses. I notice a lot of the waywards on this board left after young kids, sickness, death.
That is what marriage is. The hard part is not being prepared for what its really like. Kind of like child birth. You don't really know how painful it is until you experience it. Eventually the pain ends and you have a beautiful gift...that will continue to bring periods of pain but also joy throughout life. I feel like many of these Waywards just deserted at the painful part. I think many of them cannot handle discomfort. But life will always be filled with discomfort, so what will keep them from leaving again if they are not committed through discomfort?
Juju, I just wanted to say this is so eloquently written. This is how it should be, and it feels that there are very few who share this sentiment anymore. I walked on eggshells my whole R and M trying to be the perfect wife because I knew him and I knew if I wasn't, he would ditch me so fast. And when I needed more during ICF and pregnancy and he refused to give it and I finally stood up for my needs, he was out the door so fast, into someone else's arms. I don't regret making my needs known and backing down on my 100% when I needed him. I don't want someone who gives such conditional love.
I don't think I would have made it this long if I had to be on top of my game 24/7. I was falling apart. I read something recently where in a relationship, sometimes you have to be the 80% when the other person can only be the 20% and it flows both ways.
Sorry for the hijack, Sara. Juju really explained what a M and love should be.
