I got a knock at the door and had to sign for the papers.
The request for D has gone on from the lawyers to the court after the two year separation period. No need for me to have had any communication with STBXH about it.
I have to lodge any objection (which I clearly won't) by the 27 December.
I don't know how long the process takes. I've done a bit of googling and from what I understand it's a couple of months. I don't know if that's from the date it's gone to the court, or from the 27 December.
I might give the phone number on the papers a call to find out, or I might not...it doesn't really make any difference...the ball is rolling and it's inevitable. No need for me to do anything.
How did I feel? A bit winded when I opened the letter. I wasn't expecting it at that moment, so it caught me by surprise a bit. I felt really tired and drained that day, but carried on pretty much as normal.
I've been reading a bit about alcoholics (and dysfunctional relationships with alcohol). Also about codependency. Does it actually make a difference to me, at this point? It is what it is, but it's good to have the intellectual understanding of things. I can see things pretty clearly now, with hindsight.
And I have **my** version of events, **my** narrative, which is really important for me to have. Not to say that it might change in the future, but it reflects where I am now, in this moment. And it feels like a pretty fair one to both parties. I was thinking about that the other day, that it's important for me to have a reasonably balanced version of events, because that helps me achieve perspective and therefore also distance...which is what I want really.
Of course, I still don't understand in many ways how someone could do what he did. But I'm not him, and I didn't go on that journey, so that's probably why. I think it was probably a pretty painful and lonely journey for him to have gone on, and I wouldn't have wanted that for myself. Maybe that's compassion. This is the mantra I say during one of my meditations (the 'Loving Kindness' one, in case any one is interested):
'May I be well, may I be happy, may I be free from suffering. May you be well, may you be happy, may you be free from suffering. May we be well, may we be happy, may we be free from suffering. May all living beings be well, may all living beings be happy, may all living beings be free from suffering.
I don't know.
The wonderful man I've met? We continue on our journey together. I am loving what I am discovering about myself, the things I am discovering about him, the things I am finding out about myself **through** him, and and the things that we discovering together.
I'm feeling very at peace with where i am in myself and in my life. There's lots and lots I'm curious and excited about and I really feel that I will be fine in myself whatever happens.
I've never really felt so much peace and acceptance within myself, at any point in my life. I also feel capable. I've always felt insecure and unsafe in the world and within myself. But I feel peaceful now and sure within myself that I can navigate through things knowing how to make positive and healthy choices for myself, physically, emotionally and psychologically.
We'll see what tomorrow brings when tomorrow comes. But for today, for now, I'm good with where I am.
