Separation imminent (cont.)

[Hermes]

Well just finished 2nd discussion @ messaging to family and kids.... I asked why she’s so afraid of anyon knowing details... she feels no good can come of it... and it will just cause people to take sides. Vs just being collaborative etc.

She talked a lot about actions vs impact. What impact will this have and if there’s nothing positive in terms of impact there’s no point to this.

She still thinks that her P will still welcome me with open arms and that I’ll ALWAYS have kids to her P on one certain holiday she doesn’t care about... whereas she’ll always have them on another more important one... I don’t agree with either the schedule or the fact that A) her parents are going to welcome me with open arms or B) that I would even feel comfortable going back to their place w/kids after (she tried to say but if this is what kids really wanted, you could find a way... I said maybe you just take him them and I don’t ever see them on holidays as I’m not sure I could do it... she tried to convince me I’ve been at their place b4 without her... I said this is WAY different.)


Wish I had listened to all of you and just kept my mouth shut... we then discussed M again and counseling and how she’s out of marriage and I am in...
She admittted it’s really hard as she doesn’t know what I’m doing etc. I mentioned we could both start being honest.
Brought A up as example of how she’s not being honest with me .. said tell me honestly you are going to his place weekly and talking to OM daily... she said she didn’t want to get into it...I pointed out she just confirmed it by refusing to deny it.

Pointed out that this is prime reason she won’t try.... how things could be different.... why it’s impirtant to try... basically all the things that I was trying to avoid etc. as for some f’ed up reason I had hope of getting through to her.
She still refuses to admit that OM has ANYTHiNG to do with her leaving but says she is going to have to accept that I will always blame her and it as reason.
I Tried to say there’s a lot of things that led us here but this is propelling you forward...

Ended up with some catharsis and hug/cry but then she got back on even keel and went back into anything I said being an example of more of the same behavior and how it just shows her that we could never be together etc.
She refused to accept that counseling might bear fruit as she feels she never was happy in our M and how everything I talked about with our common interests are only external things when she needs/wants someone to be there with/for her day to day. I acknowledged this pattern from past and tried to explain how I understand thist now etc. she sees all changes as being reactionary and even if they are not, still not what she wants as she doesn’t feel “good “ around me (go figure with OM in picture and having given up prior to even telling me she was unhappy.)

She talked about how she had a hole in her heart and when someone showed a little interest she thought maybe She could be happy all of the time vs just brief sparks here and there. Admits it wasn’t right, but refuses to stop/change as she deserves to be happy and (my words) he makes her happy.

Talked about how this has and continues to take a toll on her day to day and how hard it is to function at work.
How hard it is not knowing what I’m doing etc. (I told her what I did last night and how little I actually spent (as financial infidelity is one of her complaints). I invited her to be honest with me as well and let’s work on communication and future...

She said let’s just focus communication on moving forward collaboratively/constructively and doesn’t understand why I keep pulling her back into this. Talked about how our M will never make her happy and how we both just need to recognize and move on ( I tried to point out I agree I don’t want what we had either but believe in possibility of much better future) How incredibly hard what she’s doing is but how important it is for her to be happy.... I tried to explain how the more difficult path would be to work together on something as important as our marriage... and why... but at the end of the day she tried for years to get me to change.... eventually she just gave up hope and that’s when the hole in her heart opened and A started when someone paid attention to her and made her feel good about herself.
How I never made her feel good about herself. Etc.
How even now with my changes she hopes I am doing them for myself but it still doesn’t feel good to her.

I explained that I have worked almost nonstop on M since I understood she was unhappy. The changes have been for both. I realized I needed to change AND she didn’t deserve any of the behavior I leveled at her for years; which is why it’s all stopped.

She Also talked about How she wants to be fair with me,

I am now seeing that the M is beyond saving, it’d take a miracle like OM blowing it big time or having a heart attack to make any dent.

Know what you all will say about how I blew it today. Don’t know why talking about communication to her P and mine and Kids causes me to keep doing this... I know that this is a marathon... and now see after 2 weeks of this pattern that there is no stopping this from going forward (she’s truly given up hope and moved on and refuses even consider a possible future Except as co-parents)
She fears that I’ll hold A over her and tell everyone, which will make everyone side with me and not see care about the years of unhappiness she had with me.

I told her that I heard her words last week asking me for forgiveness, and wanted her to know that I have forgiven her for everything from past and even now for A BUt I don’t think I can/will ever be able to for what’s coming (leaving me for OM).

Also know that this was a big mistake but wanted her to know what’s in my heart.
That I still care for her and feel we could work on M.

She told me she signed lease last Friday... and I said nothing... just shook my head (she said I told you I’d be honest with you and I went with your timeline of feb)

Me asking her to move to spare room may have been the right choice but it doesn’t feel like it right now as it feel like it’s llowed her to pull it gen farther away.

I talked about how I know her finding an act I setup several years back on online hookup site hurt herand how sorry I was about this (she found it and held off confronting for years; and I never once contacted a single person on it as explained earlier in thread) told her that I’d even take lie detector to prove to her I’ve not once touched another woman since we started dating and furthermore even now could t do that to her even in spite of what she’s doing as I know how this would hurt her and I couldn’t do that to her.

She said if she felt like these discussions were moving us further along she’d be ok with them but she feels it’s more likely that anything she says will be thrown back in her face later. (I have no intention of this at all).

I see her point with family now. What good can one of saying more than we’re getting divorced (I did say I didn’t like her statement about being private).

She challenged me to provide different text. Got a bit mad that I’m using time off to improve self, when she’s working her ass off to provide for us and hopes I will have a job soon (as do I).

I have no intention of outing her A to friends/kids. But I am pretty ok with saying she left me we had problems for a long while and she’s checked out MLC etc.

Feel free filet me have it for screwing up again...

I’m getting to point I just want this to be over

Maybe I’m just feeling sorry for myself but, I can’t stop what’s coming, I can/am gradually making it worse (she admitted that everything is pushing her back into M but she is fighting like hell as she believes she deserves to be happy (my words:we just have diff opinion on how we could/should take a shot at being happy).

I know I deserve better than this (I explained to her why I’ve tried so hard to save marriage beyond it being the right thing to do; she did try for years to get me tofeel/be different and it wasn’t until AFTER she walked that I made any changes... I explained that she tried really hard when I didn’t, I’m trying really hard while she’s not, but we’ve never tried hard together; also explained how This is just one reason among many others being how I feel about her still. I have a growing hole in my heart and really just want someone who wants to be with me for who i am.

The really f’ed up thing is I have listened to LRT course from MWD about 9 times now and even reread stuff in DR. But when push came to shove today I dropped all of this and put pressure on her thinking I my heart I could get throught to her (speaking from my heart) vs just accepting M death and D (which you all tried like hell to tell me and I thought I had listened to, but failed miserably on today.)

More than anything in the world I want a chance to make this right for her/us/kids/family... but reality is I killed off whatever love she had for me long ago.