Oh man! Thank you for posting that. I feel like I am reading my sitch, minus having a new baby just after BD.
You got it so right about what I want to say to my W - What the F%(K are you thinking???? Instead I am trying to pull back and give her tons of space and stay friendly, but not be her friend.
I have the similar issue about anger - how it's impacted the kids and will impact them for their life. I didn't sign up to be a part-time parent and the fact that I don't know what's going on for half their life is something I am having a hard time accepting. I know they miss me when they're with her and vice versa.
The 180s and the other DB techniques are good in the sense that they allow the LBS to discover themselves and not look weak and pathetic in front of the WW. But, you don't always know if they are working and when you're NC, it's even harder to gauge. But, the opposite of NC also doesn't work and so you're left between a boulder and a sledgehammer.
I think the only thing that I have come to realize is that I need to be my authentic self and figure out my depression issues. I have zero idea or hope that anything I do will bring her back to even try and recon - not saying if recon would restore the MR, which is a whole another ballgame. She hasn't even shown up for practice, forget the game, so it's pointless to worry about if we'll be able to rush the last five yards with seconds away from the game whistle.
I guess I am still bitter about the fact that I wasn't even given a chance. Everything I had suggested after BD was rejected and I feel like I was just discarded and disposed of.
And like you I don't think there is an OM, yet. I believe there was some EA stuff in the beginning before and around BD, but didn't last. I have no idea if there is someone in her life or not and I have no way of getting intel on that short of hiring a PI - which I am not going to waste money on.
I am sorry to hear that your W is still resolute in her decision. My W also suggested counseling for improving communications which reeked of 'divorce management' and so I didn't take her up on that offer.
How is dating life? You're 20 months out and do you feel like you're in a place where you can do it? Also, have you or her filed for D?
Thanks again for your post. I felt really sad reading it and I could totally feel all your emotions as you described them.
