Passionate Marriage

[eyesopened]

I used to post as Michlynn but changed my username to reflect how I feel now.

My copy of PM will be here today or tomorrow. I'm familiar with Schnarch's work and some of the criticism leveled against him (IMHO, every therapist who offers different theories and techniques will receive some criticism from peers), but I've never read PM.

Out of curiosity, have any of you read Michele's book, Divorce Remedy: The Proven Seven-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage? From what you've been saying about PM, it sounds as though DR and TSSM together incorporate some of Schnarch's theories in a user-friendly, practical, application over theory, format (e.g., change by one spouse will change the marriage, detachment, the LD spouse controls the amount of sex in a marriage, sex is generally critical to intimacy and is more than just scratching an itch, etc.). In fact, Michele cites Schnarch in TSSM and has PM in the bibliography and on the recommended reading list.

I found DR after reading an article on walkaway wives (which I've probably been most of our marriage). Because I was impressed with DR and its emphasis on saving marriages, effecting change to improve both you and your relationship with or without your partner's active involvement, and on being your partner's best friend even in the midst of a divorce, I ordered TSSM.

TSSM was an eyeopener by showing me the hurt and rejection my husband felt, but never overtly expressed, in our marriage when I carelessly (and occasionally intentionally if I was upset with him) failed to recognize and/or respond to his desire for sex.

What I didn't expect, but what's happening now, is that each day I see more clearly the ways in which I affect, positively but more often negatively, our marriage while also seeing the many, many times I misinterpreted things my husband did or said and reacted to my misinterpretation. And, although I see and am happy about the positive changes all around, I'm still feeling some discomfort because the things I'm doing feel unfamiliar and make me feel more vulnerable as closeness and intimacy increase.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to reading PM (and appreciate the book recommendation), which sounds as though it might explain some of the underlying dynamics in my marriage. If Schnarch provides some practical advice on effecting change, I may use it to supplement DR and TSSM, which have been been more effective in leading to actual improvements and changes than anything else so far.

On reviewing this post, there may be a caveat I should add. In my marriage, I'm the LD (lower physical desire, definitely NOT "no desire" or "hates sex") and I identified with the walkaway wife in Michele's article. I've thought long and hard about what would have happened in our marriage if my husband was the one implementing techniques from DR and TSSM.

In all honesty, I think I would have felt uncomfortable at first (changing from the "old familiar" to something new), but I would have eventually responded to the changes as long as they were consistent (I'd be thinking or expecting things to go back to the way they were; and even though I probably bear the most responsibility for problems in our marriage, my husband has his "bad" habits and behavior, such as not telling me straight out what he wants or feels, expecting me to read his mind, telling me what I'm feeling or thinking, criticizing me personally rather than my behavior, etc.)

I think the positive changes would still happen, but they would be slower especially if I thought he was doing them with the purpose in mind of changing me. And, in all honesty, I would have suspected or been convinced that his purpose was to change me and that his positive changes weren't permanent. In fact, my husband has said a couple of things lately indicating that he doesn't think my changes are permanent. Fortunately, he's still reacting positively to the changes.