Let her take action and move out. Make sure when you tell people (outside of your kids) that you don't follow her script. You don't need to shield her from other adults.
I plan to tell people that she left the relationship... not sure that I will ever tell people that she left for among other things another man she's been seeing behind my back for years....
Originally Posted By: Maika
I want you to reframe her taking action from a negative to a positive. I know it's not easy, but here's why.
Right now, YOU are the cause of all her problems. She perceives you to be the villain and everything that is bad for her is because of you.
YOU CAN'T CHANGE THAT! At least right now.
When she leaves, she's going to come to the realization that her problems didn't suddenly just 'poof' vanish now that you're not around and in her face. They in fact followed her to the new place. So now she will have to confront the problems because she cannot pin them on you any more.
This is crucial because she has not yet taken into account how she has let the MR down and what her shortcomings are. She has blamed you full steam. But one person (outside of abuse) is never responsible for the failure of the MR. Heck it's not even 50-50 split sometimes, with more failures on the WW/WAS side of the street.
So, don't fear her leaving and that this will be the end of things. This is her journey and she has to figure out herself. If she doesn't, do you really want that type of woman as your partner? Right now your answer is most likely yes, but because you're seeing your MR through rose-tinted glasses.
Trust me, once those glasses come off, you will realize how much your W was lacking in the MR and if there is ever a helluva chance to recon, you will not accept her back as is. I am telling you this from experience.
If my W ever came back for recon, I have a list of non-negotiable things that will need to happen. If she balks at any of it, I am free to walk. I am already moving forward, so I can just continue.
I know I'm looking through selective lenses right now... and I did a heluva lot to her in term of bad behavior (mostly inaction and words) but I also realize that the A is all on her from point a until now when she refuses to end it and even today I'm sure (like every Friday for god knows how long) left work early spent the WHOLE afternoon with him... came home late to pickup things to go out... and after her event went BACK to his place which is where she is likely at now... Just makes me sad that the woman of my dreams has become someone I can't even recognize let alone want to be with (I had to ask her to leave the BR after she left for a couple days because she was upset... because I realized I sleep much better without her there given how I cannot touch her only look at her from afar... Don't want my feelings to veer into hate... but it's getting harder by the day... Not sure I even want to talk to her anymore given how she lies either overtly or by omitting the truth to fit her situation (just say I went out with a "friend" or was having fun sorry forgot about the time...
Originally Posted By: Maika
Trust me that your strength will come. Let her go and focus on yourself. You have listed some great things as your goals. Now develop timelines and put yourself fully into them. Her moving out is going to be a huge relief to you. Just let a few weeks pass by and you'll see. My blood pressure went down into the normal range after my W moved out. I was able to verify it with hard data lol.
No idea why I'm dreaing the "Big Reveal" to everyone family/kids/friends... perhaps as this makes it feel irreversible at that point (the dynamo will have such inertia that even IF she had second thoughts, with everyone expecting her to follow through AND OM who's already f'ed his marriage to be with her undoubtedly pressuring her along with Anti-Marriage IC that she has telling her she "DESERVES" to put herself first... be happy F' the cost or damage it causes... Running away is the ANSWER!
[Sorry venting a bit]
Originally Posted By: Maika
Take a deep breath and stay cool. Be polite and gracious, but not a doormat and hold your boundaries firm. You got this!!!!
I'm trying HARD to be the rock that can weather the storm... not say anything I'll regret REGARDLESS of the fact that she is coming more Unglued by the day.
Maybe because I'm unemployed I have TOO much time on my hands... but at the same time... This has given me the ability to really dig in and start working on me... along with a bit of obsessing about relationship... which has not been great...
Last edited by Cadet; 12/09/1701:04 AM. Reason: Start a new thread message
Me 47 STBXW 44 M ~20 D13 S15 BD mid 17 A Disc. 2 months after BD but evidence found ~2yr OM decade older S Imminent D Soon after
Tried to keep contact brief... worked hard not to be first person to initiate conversation.
Not following her around, I'm working hard to be very reserved. and we've had 0 M/R/A talks since Sunday (other than her thanking me for sharing a list of what I wish I could do differently from the past (that I told her specifically was NOT aimed at changing her mind... that I knew her mind was made up... AND I told her I didn't expect nor want a response to this... (both at beginning and end of letter).
Yesterday I'm sure she spent time with OM all afternoon again (as I didn't see her before D13 and I went out to Dinner) and then didn't see her at all until almost midnight (no contact all day). (she did have an event to go to for a while but it's never taken that long before... but I digress).
This AM... She went out... I made some xmas treats.
She got back and unfortunately saw me praying... wasn't my intention (she snuck into house and crept up stairs so I didn't hear her). She seemed surprised but didn't say anything.
She got ready, I went in to get ready... we exchanged small talk... She made a few comments... I replied back in a way that I thought was kind (saying thank you and letting her know she could have some of the xmas cookies I made). She asked about something with D13... I replied back with what I knew about it... and even made an additional comment or two.
Friend called... so I excused myself from room to talk... after that while I was getting ready. She came in and told me about each of the errands she was going to run this AM. I said OK... she said AM I going out? I said, I'll probably run errands later. She asked if I was still going out tonight. I said yes. Probably leaving at 3pm or 3:30pm. She asked if we could talk tomorrow while kids are out... (About D messaging again; didn't go well last week as I wanted to tell my parents both our parts in this but agreed she could tell hers whatever she wants but I would not lie... [see earlier posts]). I said OK.
Then she asked if she did something wrong... (She's asked this several times over the past week)... I wanted to say other than sleeping with another man that you are leaving me for..... But knew this wouldn't help so I said instead, no nothing... very calmly... (I ended up smiling just a tiny bit... It's a nervous tick... that [censored])... she caught this and started to jump on me for thinking this is funny... I replied very calmly about it being a nervous tic...(she knows this and has seen it before in me)... She then told me that this doesn't have to be this way... me acting so coldly towards her... if she's done something to upset me, I should let her know... and she's trying really hard to be nice etc. I again said calmly ok. and I'm sorry you feel this way... she walked away.
No idea if the LRT is having any effect... she's certainly not warming up to me... seems to enjoy the freedom to become more active in A quicker.
Working on remaining calm... not reacting to her. Not defending myself. non-confrontational. (Trying to not be passive aggressive... but I think she may think that me getting quiet is this... as In the past I would have done this when I was mad at her... (which is why she may be working to pull me out by asking what she did wrong).
Trying to decide if it's worth it to say... I don't agree to "We're getting a Divorce" You are getting a Divorce, I am being Divorced. I would like for you/us to say "You: I am divorcing H. I also want us to not say "we're private people, please respect our privacy... blah blah."
With kids I am DEFINITELY not ok with saying we're getting a divorce... I'd like for us to be honest with them... Your mom and I have been fighting a lot, we've been disagreeing on many, many, different things including what should happen to the future of our marriage. This is no different, we really do disagree about this, but since it takes 2 people to work at a marriage and to make it work, we are going to separate/divorce.
We've ALWAYS told them to persevere and double down when you have difficulties in life.. and this doesn't put either of us in a position to lie to kids about things... which they will figure out fairly quickly and then feel misguided and betrayed by this. I also Vehemently disagree with the we're private people BS speech to kids... they are our CHILDREN... not passing acquaintances or friends.
We both agree not to entertain blame/counterblame with kids... just state the fact as is and if/when they ask, let them know we both love them, it's not either of their faults, and tha we are committed to being there for them going forward. Only saying something generic like, there were many things both of us did that led to this point in time; getting into specifics and blame is not helpful right now.
I'm balancing this with what DB coach advised me... to just agree with her and go along with it... (statements aren't "lies" we are getting a divorce (I just see it as her divorcing me and me being divorced)...
Any additional thoughts on my actions? Am I being cold to her? I didn't think I was/had been... but I'm not being all smiles and greeting her anymore... (I try to just smile and be upbeat but not exuberant around her... which is getting more difficult with time).
I have avoided being in rooms with her... (Not running out when she comes in... but gradually finding myself somewhere else).
Also know it's likely to get bad again tomorrow when we discuss telling family kids...
Feels like I'm missing something from MWD's advice on LRT if/when spouse says what's going on? why are you so cold?
Me 47 STBXW 44 M ~20 D13 S15 BD mid 17 A Disc. 2 months after BD but evidence found ~2yr OM decade older S Imminent D Soon after
We returned from errand Talked to her bro on phone. When she got off I was about ready to leave. She started crying a little after phone call (probably about brother who’s not doing well) but she didn’t say anything to me. I Said I was going out for about 1 hour. She kept crying a little bit said nothing... I almost went back and said what’s going on? What’s wrong? But stopped myself.
Feels like I f’ed up...
Any thoughts on if this the right thing to do?
Wondering if this was cold or if this was LRT, she didn’t say anything to me... but I also didn’t approach her. Was cleaning in kitchen while she was on phone... after this I said very calmly going out for 1 hour...
Me 47 STBXW 44 M ~20 D13 S15 BD mid 17 A Disc. 2 months after BD but evidence found ~2yr OM decade older S Imminent D Soon after
You could have said “would you like to talk about” then listened and validated.
Do not stress or worry about it because it wouldn’t change anything.
I know it won't change anything... thinking of this more in terms of making sure that I am "lovingly detaching" while LRT vs. cold or mean or being a b@$t*d. Need to figure this out so in future I can do better regardless of relationship w WW.
Me 47 STBXW 44 M ~20 D13 S15 BD mid 17 A Disc. 2 months after BD but evidence found ~2yr OM decade older S Imminent D Soon after
This PM went out to run errands... came home, WW asked if we could talk... Spoke about logistical things... I was polite but reserved.
Then she asked about plans for x-mas (also logistical) but tied into BD on Family and kids re: D. Made a snide comment @ how we won't speak again until tomorrow... I let it go didn't respond.
She also, made comment about how we could wait until tomorrow to do this... if I didn't want to talk now.
I gave my opinion (I think if we tell her P just after X-mas we should stay there that night and maybe just call my P vs visit... they are very old and get easily upset... worried that us showing up (which they would love and look forward to if I said we were coming) only to tell them several hours after arriving the D is imminent; or worse, having a nice time with them on arrival then waiting until next morning just before leaving to tell them, might not be good for them... but suppose there isn't a good way to do this.
She also said she's trying to work with me and do this the right way...
I said I am as well...
She said, It doesn't feel like it.
I didn't say anything.
Dreading conversation tomorrow...
Know this again won't change anything... and know that reaction from LRT can be negative... and I'm committed this time to keeping this going... but have to make sure I'm at least giving it my best effort in not being cold but reserved...
worried my responses to her (In retrospect I Haven't been smiling and happy with her when we communicate... but these conversations (I would just say I've been normal or a bit 'meh as in indifferent))
Thoughts on these interactions... or on messaging. (know some say I should say whatever I want, or tell her P and mine w/o details... but also balancing this with being kind and factoring in D process and how pissing her off now might impact that process given that we're headed full steam there).
Me 47 STBXW 44 M ~20 D13 S15 BD mid 17 A Disc. 2 months after BD but evidence found ~2yr OM decade older S Imminent D Soon after
One more that I'm feeling pretty certain on and want some outside thoughts on:
She's said she hopes I can forgive her for what she's done to me someday (just like I said this to her prior to her saying this to me).
Know telling her won't make any difference... But I'm really starting to firm up my thoughts on this:
I can forgive her for the A, but I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive her for leaving me for another man (when D is over).
Regardless of what she says @ the A not having "ANYTHING" to do with her decision(and I know she has good reason from past to WAW...) The fact that she's giddy about the OM and appears "Head Over Heels" in Love with him (for at least 7 months and likely ALOT longer given how long they've been at this). She is in effect leaving me to be with OM at this point in time (guessing that's one of the prime reasons she's DEATHLY afraid of A getting out to Family/Friends/etc.; it would make the OM MUCH harder to be with if her Fam ended up rejecting him..[not that this is my motivation for them to know... I'm more about them knowing b/c I did ALOT of crap in the past, much of which they are aware of... but I want them to know that when push came to shove and she told me she wanted to leave... I took a hard look at self; did a 180 on vast majority of behaviors and still working on self as it's right thing to do for me (and if we're together for her), but that the sad reality is there is OM waiting in wings for her and she has decided she wants to be with OM). I saw enough from discovery of A to know this 4 certain. (She might have ended up leaving anyway, but with OM it was 110% guaranteed once she decided she'd like to leave to be with OM).
I feel I owe them an explanation (not of in the weeds but broad brushstrokes on this unlike me being laid off or her having Health Scare a while back... no need to tell them @ these as they are not certain... this is certain and directly affects them).
Or is this just Pride getting in way of DB?
Me 47 STBXW 44 M ~20 D13 S15 BD mid 17 A Disc. 2 months after BD but evidence found ~2yr OM decade older S Imminent D Soon after
I feel for your sitch, you're obviously under a lot of stress and pain. Why is the W involved in telling your parents? You can tell them whatever you want. I would tell your inlaws the truth too. The kids are more challenging. Have you read MWD's advice on telling children? I would tell them what you wrote above. You cannot give any details, but your children are old enough that once divorced they will figure out what's going on.
