Tried to keep contact brief... worked hard not to be first person to initiate conversation.
Not following her around, I'm working hard to be very reserved. and we've had 0 M/R/A talks since Sunday (other than her thanking me for sharing a list of what I wish I could do differently from the past (that I told her specifically was NOT aimed at changing her mind... that I knew her mind was made up... AND I told her I didn't expect nor want a response to this... (both at beginning and end of letter).
Yesterday I'm sure she spent time with OM all afternoon again (as I didn't see her before D13 and I went out to Dinner) and then didn't see her at all until almost midnight (no contact all day). (she did have an event to go to for a while but it's never taken that long before... but I digress).
This AM... She went out... I made some xmas treats.
She got back and unfortunately saw me praying... wasn't my intention (she snuck into house and crept up stairs so I didn't hear her). She seemed surprised but didn't say anything.
She got ready, I went in to get ready... we exchanged small talk... She made a few comments... I replied back in a way that I thought was kind (saying thank you and letting her know she could have some of the xmas cookies I made). She asked about something with D13... I replied back with what I knew about it... and even made an additional comment or two.
Friend called... so I excused myself from room to talk... after that while I was getting ready. She came in and told me about each of the errands she was going to run this AM. I said OK... she said AM I going out? I said, I'll probably run errands later. She asked if I was still going out tonight. I said yes. Probably leaving at 3pm or 3:30pm. She asked if we could talk tomorrow while kids are out... (About D messaging again; didn't go well last week as I wanted to tell my parents both our parts in this but agreed she could tell hers whatever she wants but I would not lie... [see earlier posts]). I said OK.
Then she asked if she did something wrong... (She's asked this several times over the past week)... I wanted to say other than sleeping with another man that you are leaving me for..... But knew this wouldn't help so I said instead, no nothing... very calmly... (I ended up smiling just a tiny bit... It's a nervous tick... that [censored])... she caught this and started to jump on me for thinking this is funny... I replied very calmly about it being a nervous tic...(she knows this and has seen it before in me)... She then told me that this doesn't have to be this way... me acting so coldly towards her... if she's done something to upset me, I should let her know... and she's trying really hard to be nice etc. I again said calmly ok. and I'm sorry you feel this way... she walked away.
No idea if the LRT is having any effect... she's certainly not warming up to me... seems to enjoy the freedom to become more active in A quicker.
Working on remaining calm... not reacting to her. Not defending myself. non-confrontational. (Trying to not be passive aggressive... but I think she may think that me getting quiet is this... as In the past I would have done this when I was mad at her... (which is why she may be working to pull me out by asking what she did wrong).
Trying to decide if it's worth it to say... I don't agree to "We're getting a Divorce" You are getting a Divorce, I am being Divorced. I would like for you/us to say "You: I am divorcing H. I also want us to not say "we're private people, please respect our privacy... blah blah."
With kids I am DEFINITELY not ok with saying we're getting a divorce... I'd like for us to be honest with them... Your mom and I have been fighting a lot, we've been disagreeing on many, many, different things including what should happen to the future of our marriage. This is no different, we really do disagree about this, but since it takes 2 people to work at a marriage and to make it work, we are going to separate/divorce.
We've ALWAYS told them to persevere and double down when you have difficulties in life.. and this doesn't put either of us in a position to lie to kids about things... which they will figure out fairly quickly and then feel misguided and betrayed by this. I also Vehemently disagree with the we're private people BS speech to kids... they are our CHILDREN... not passing acquaintances or friends.
We both agree not to entertain blame/counterblame with kids... just state the fact as is and if/when they ask, let them know we both love them, it's not either of their faults, and tha we are committed to being there for them going forward. Only saying something generic like, there were many things both of us did that led to this point in time; getting into specifics and blame is not helpful right now.
I'm balancing this with what DB coach advised me... to just agree with her and go along with it... (statements aren't "lies" we are getting a divorce (I just see it as her divorcing me and me being divorced)...
Any additional thoughts on my actions? Am I being cold to her? I didn't think I was/had been... but I'm not being all smiles and greeting her anymore... (I try to just smile and be upbeat but not exuberant around her... which is getting more difficult with time).
I have avoided being in rooms with her... (Not running out when she comes in... but gradually finding myself somewhere else).
Also know it's likely to get bad again tomorrow when we discuss telling family kids...
Feels like I'm missing something from MWD's advice on LRT if/when spouse says what's going on? why are you so cold?
Me 47 STBXW 44 M ~20 D13 S15 BD mid 17 A Disc. 2 months after BD but evidence found ~2yr OM decade older S Imminent D Soon after
