I'll throw in a third to all this. Dave, remember that differentiation will probably be a painful process for BOTH parties. To feel anxious, unsure, confused... those are the feelings du jour, buddy. Just because you are reading the book and are the 'active' one in seeking solutions, doesn't mean you aren't going to feel the anxiety related to becoming your own person.
If you WEREN'T feeling anxious and confused, then I'd go along with Schnarch and say you weren't changing enough.
When I was in MC with my H, and my shrink had pounded into my very stubborn brain the concepts of boundaries and being 'myself,' in the relationship... you know, in the C sessions, I'd feel all gung ho about it. It is quite another thing to 'do it on your own,' and my shrink didn't do a darn thing to come into rescue me, either. This is because (as the book talks about), fused people may attempt to transfer their 'fusion' to their shrink... and the shrink has to maintain a certain distance and aloofness to discourage this type of behavior.
Well. I wouldn't say that I'm a whimpy person, but that whole setting boundaries thing... and then sticking to them was pure hell. Now I will say that during this process, my shrink strongly, strongly encouraged me to define for myself Who I Was, what made ME happy (independent of anyone else), how I thought about things, etc. When I actually started applying what he taught me, I understood why.
When you 'disengage' from your partner, it tends to leave a gaping hole in your emotional fabric. It helped me to really examine myself with nothing and no one else in that scenario. I had actually thought I knew myself pretty well... come to find out, I didn't really know myself at all... at least not the person I had become. Does that make any sense?
You are experiencing the pain of seperation, I think. Right now, you are trying to convince yourself to chuck the whole thing and just 'give up,' because at least in the midst of 'chaos,' you know your role, and how to handle it. THIS, THIS feels completely foreign and nasty...
Welcome to the open seas. And I really hate to throw salt into the wound, but guess what? YOU are the only person who is going to be able to decide if you are being 'too harsh,' or just holding firm your yourself.... 'cuz that's what thinking for yourself and being your own person means... it's the pain of growing. Doesn't it absolutely suck?
You're doing fine, Dave. You don't need to slow down, you just need to cut yourself some slack... and apply those self-comfort techniques you've been reading about. Hang in there guy. You'll get it. You take care of you. Let your W take care of herself.
