Separation imminent....

[Hermes]

Let her take action and move out. Make sure when you tell people (outside of your kids) that you don't follow her script. You don't need to shield her from other adults.

I plan to tell people that she left the relationship... not sure that I will ever tell people that she left for among other things another man she's been seeing behind my back for years....

I want you to reframe her taking action from a negative to a positive. I know it's not easy, but here's why.

Right now, YOU are the cause of all her problems. She perceives you to be the villain and everything that is bad for her is because of you.

YOU CAN'T CHANGE THAT! At least right now.

When she leaves, she's going to come to the realization that her problems didn't suddenly just 'poof' vanish now that you're not around and in her face. They in fact followed her to the new place. So now she will have to confront the problems because she cannot pin them on you any more.

This is crucial because she has not yet taken into account how she has let the MR down and what her shortcomings are. She has blamed you full steam. But one person (outside of abuse) is never responsible for the failure of the MR. Heck it's not even 50-50 split sometimes, with more failures on the WW/WAS side of the street.

So, don't fear her leaving and that this will be the end of things. This is her journey and she has to figure out herself. If she doesn't, do you really want that type of woman as your partner? Right now your answer is most likely yes, but because you're seeing your MR through rose-tinted glasses.

Trust me, once those glasses come off, you will realize how much your W was lacking in the MR and if there is ever a helluva chance to recon, you will not accept her back as is. I am telling you this from experience.

If my W ever came back for recon, I have a list of non-negotiable things that will need to happen. If she balks at any of it, I am free to walk. I am already moving forward, so I can just continue.

I know I'm looking through selective lenses right now... and I did a heluva lot to her in term of bad behavior (mostly inaction and words) but I also realize that the A is all on her from point a until now when she refuses to end it and even today I'm sure (like every Friday for god knows how long) left work early spent the WHOLE afternoon with him... came home late to pickup things to go out... and after her event went BACK to his place which is where she is likely at now...
Just makes me sad that the woman of my dreams has become someone I can't even recognize let alone want to be with (I had to ask her to leave the BR after she left for a couple days because she was upset... because I realized I sleep much better without her there given how I cannot touch her only look at her from afar...
Don't want my feelings to veer into hate... but it's getting harder by the day...
Not sure I even want to talk to her anymore given how she lies either overtly or by omitting the truth to fit her situation (just say I went out with a "friend" or was having fun sorry forgot about the time...

Trust me that your strength will come. Let her go and focus on yourself. You have listed some great things as your goals. Now develop timelines and put yourself fully into them. Her moving out is going to be a huge relief to you. Just let a few weeks pass by and you'll see. My blood pressure went down into the normal range after my W moved out. I was able to verify it with hard data lol.

No idea why I'm dreaing the "Big Reveal" to everyone family/kids/friends... perhaps as this makes it feel irreversible at that point (the dynamo will have such inertia that even IF she had second thoughts, with everyone expecting her to follow through AND OM who's already f'ed his marriage to be with her undoubtedly pressuring her along with Anti-Marriage IC that she has telling her she "DESERVES" to put herself first... be happy F' the cost or damage it causes... Running away is the ANSWER!

[Sorry venting a bit]

Take a deep breath and stay cool. Be polite and gracious, but not a doormat and hold your boundaries firm. You got this!!!!

I'm trying HARD to be the rock that can weather the storm... not say anything I'll regret REGARDLESS of the fact that she is coming more Unglued by the day.

Maybe because I'm unemployed I have TOO much time on my hands... but at the same time... This has given me the ability to really dig in and start working on me... along with a bit of obsessing about relationship... which has not been great...