Quote: I also think you have an unrealistic idea about how differentiated your W is. The book makes the point repeatedly that we always choose a partner at the same level of differentiation. Unless she found a way to increase her differentiation without knowing what she was doing (which is possible), your W is pretty much on the same level as you.
I want to ad something to what Tim says, because I also feel you have an unrealistic view of how differentiated she is. I think it's pretty simple to tell that by the way she reacts to the changes in you. It's as the book says the more you change the more the other will react...try and keep you from changing. The incident in bed one night where she got upset when you expected sex after she had earlier agreed to it. Her initial response to you was not that of a differentiated person.
If she were a more differentiated person her response to the problems you are having over the lack of sex would be different. She would be more flexible than rigid. She would be able to compensate your desires with her beliefs about herself....the "I'm not a naked person" thing is a good example
I'm not saying you should feel better because your wife seems to be struggling with the same issues as you BUT be more intuned to her responses and less concerned about what she is thinking or feeling. Her reactions will tell you a lot.
I haven't read the book, only this thread but from what I have read I would think that a differentiated person who has a true sense of self would be more able to intergrate their beliefs, feelings and needs in a way that would benefit both partners. From what you say about your wife she is not able to do that so far.
Tim, thank you for your response to my question the other day. I have more to say on that subject but life keeps getting in my way. Cathy
