Let her take action and move out. Make sure when you tell people (outside of your kids) that you don't follow her script. You don't need to shield her from other adults.
I want you to reframe her taking action from a negative to a positive. I know it's not easy, but here's why.
Right now, YOU are the cause of all her problems. She perceives you to be the villain and everything that is bad for her is because of you.
YOU CAN'T CHANGE THAT! At least right now.
When she leaves, she's going to come to the realization that her problems didn't suddenly just 'poof' vanish now that you're not around and in her face. They in fact followed her to the new place. So now she will have to confront the problems because she cannot pin them on you any more.
This is crucial because she has not yet taken into account how she has let the MR down and what her shortcomings are. She has blamed you full steam. But one person (outside of abuse) is never responsible for the failure of the MR. Heck it's not even 50-50 split sometimes, with more failures on the WW/WAS side of the street.
So, don't fear her leaving and that this will be the end of things. This is her journey and she has to figure out herself. If she doesn't, do you really want that type of woman as your partner? Right now your answer is most likely yes, but because you're seeing your MR through rose-tinted glasses.
Trust me, once those glasses come off, you will realize how much your W was lacking in the MR and if there is ever a helluva chance to recon, you will not accept her back as is. I am telling you this from experience.
If my W ever came back for recon, I have a list of non-negotiable things that will need to happen. If she balks at any of it, I am free to walk. I am already moving forward, so I can just continue.
Trust me that your strength will come. Let her go and focus on yourself. You have listed some great things as your goals. Now develop timelines and put yourself fully into them. Her moving out is going to be a huge relief to you. Just let a few weeks pass by and you'll see. My blood pressure went down into the normal range after my W moved out. I was able to verify it with hard data lol.
Take a deep breath and stay cool. Be polite and gracious, but not a doormat and hold your boundaries firm.
