I'm thinking of this more in terms of helping her to heal... I did ALOT of crap to her over the years... regardless of outcome now... and the fact that what she's doing is all on her... I still want to help her heal if I can for the past.
Quit thinking in those terms. She doesn't want anything from you right now, ESPECIALLY help with anything. Your job is to remove yourself from her life as much as possible. Give her time and space. Do not help her with anything unless she specifically asks, and there are some here that feel you shouldn't help even if she does ask (the thinking being that if an OM is involved then you're just being used, which I don't disagree with).
Cosign exactly what AnotherStander says. If OM is in the picture, then let his a** step up. The time to jump through hoops has come and gone. Focus on yourself, because that is the only thing she is doing.
Hermes, you've been getting some awesome advice so do read and re-read it to keep on track.
I'm going back over it and pulling out the nuggets not only for this forum but for myself... re-reading them...
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
The only thing I would like to add is slooooooow down! You seem very concerned that every little thing you do may make or break your recon chances and you keep coming back here to describe every little interaction to see if you "did the right thing". The reason we call this a marathon is because it takes a long, long time to resolve. BD may have seemed sudden to you but to your W it was the culmination of months or years of what she felt was neglect in the M. She thought about it a long time before BD'ing. Now that she has BD'd, she feels like she shouldn't and can't go back. Right now no matter what you do she is done with you. She doesn't like you, she may even hate you. Why? Because it's her way of justifying BD and D. The key to getting her back is changing yourself and letting her see those changes over a long period of time. No one thing you do is going to make or break your recon chances, rather it's the aggregate of what you do over the coming months or maybe even years (yes it can take that long). So change for YOU, not for her. And be very patient.
Also please read Sandi's rules at least once a day.
I know I have to force myself to slow down... it's just becoming EXTRA real now that her in home is almost over and everyone knowing... she's pulled away almost completely... sleeping with OM at least 1x/week maybe more... always online with him (seems like A is escalating the closer she gets to leaving... but maybe that's all in my mind). I also know I have to stop "caring" about this... but she still is firmly in my heart which is why this hurts so badly and hard to distance myself from.
I know, and believe also, that I can't talk my way out of something I've behaved myself into, and as well that this took years to get to the breaking point (I did so MANY things wrong)...
I just really don't think/believe/feel, that she will ever look back once she's left and D is final. I GAL, but short of removing myself from her presence (i.e. GAL every day which isn't fair to or possible with kids). The pain grows by the day as we get closer… Feb she moves out.
She tries to Hide her actions as best possible I think on some level she really is trying to be "kind" to me… (I know from talking with DB Coach and from reading other's stories... that things could be MUCH MUCH worse than they are... but knowing that doesn't make me feel BETTER about my sitch).
I know in my head that she's been gone for a long time and that the marriage for her doesn't exist anymore regardless of what the church/state says (that's likely the only way she can justify and continue what she's doing with OM... and with what's coming...)
Even though I've been agonizing over what to tell Parents and kids... I know there's nothing I say that will make it better... only things I can say that will make it much worse at this point and likely make the D MUCH harder [making her furious with me disclosing A for example right now (i.e. telling them the truth about everything including what I did over years, and her role in things back then and more recently)...)]
I know the advice in DB book is that it takes 1 month for every year of marriage... 20 in my case...
I don't tend to think of D and heartache of it when I GAL... but that only happens a couple of times a week; I am enjoying the respite that church brings, and I know I must work hard to get closer with D13 as she's pretty angry with me most days right now and I suspect when we tell them likely to get even angrier).
More than anything I want for us to be a family and R... knowing full well that is a fantasy…
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
A lot of people misinterpret DB'ing and especially detachment as them needing to be cold, indifferent and uncaring towards their WAS. That is not detachment, not at all. Most WAS's felt the LBS was like that for a long time anyway, so in fact that would be "more of the same" behavior. DB'ing is something of an art form- it's standing firm, being strong and establishing boundaries but doing it in a loving, respectful manner. I think that's where Sandi's rules really shine, it helps to understand how you go about doing that.
Thank you for this… I'm working hard to detach in loving ways (when I said I'd like for her to sleep in spare room again I did it as lovingly as I could at the time… I had a hard time sleeping with you.
I'm now working on being quiet, not starting conversations but responding warmly and generously when she does... It's hard because there is a lot I'd like to share with her... AND it's even harder as she NEVER shares anything about her day/week what's going on (e.g. yesterday she made some food... took it to work for some reason... no idea why or what it was about). But know this is part of her process of getting rid of me... Only sharing her day with OM each day... Only talking to me about logistical things (did I look for work, how did that go, etc. any interviews, etc. and kid related things, MAYBE one or two other tidbits... funny joke, etc... i.e. things she'd share with a friend...).
Me 47 STBXW 44 M ~20 D13 S15 BD mid 17 A Disc. 2 months after BD but evidence found ~2yr OM decade older S Imminent D Soon after
I'm thinking of this more in terms of helping her to heal... I did ALOT of crap to her over the years... regardless of outcome now... and the fact that what she's doing is all on her... I still want to help her heal if I can for the past.
Quit thinking in those terms. She doesn't want anything from you right now, ESPECIALLY help with anything. Your job is to remove yourself from her life as much as possible. Give her time and space. Do not help her with anything unless she specifically asks, and there are some here that feel you shouldn't help even if she does ask (the thinking being that if an OM is involved then you're just being used, which I don't disagree with).
She does specifically ask from time to time... I try to be helpful as refusing would play into the old pattern and even though I get what others are saying about not lifting a finger to help her. I use the lens... would I do this for my sister? if I would then I do it for her.
Me 47 STBXW 44 M ~20 D13 S15 BD mid 17 A Disc. 2 months after BD but evidence found ~2yr OM decade older S Imminent D Soon after
How do you deal with having WW in house when D is now announced to world including kids (after XMas) when she's not moving out for another month... She now sleeps downstairs.
I just go "OUT" on calendar now as she's not telling me squat (Happy Hour) is generally all I know unless it's something I'd otherwise know about then it's details..
Me 47 STBXW 44 M ~20 D13 S15 BD mid 17 A Disc. 2 months after BD but evidence found ~2yr OM decade older S Imminent D Soon after
Working on these: My goals used to be: 1. have a week without R/M/A talk.. 2. Always be polite to her 3. Always speak softly to her (no raised voice) 4. Never us harsh words with her (to herself or others about her) 5. Join Church, attend regularly 6. GAL (at least 2x/week if not more) 7. Focus more on kids (this still needs ALOT of work) 8. Secure a Job 9. be reserved in my conversations w her (don't start, but if she does respond kindly and warmly). 10. Balance (If I am feeling out of whack or starting to... take a time out go for a walk, but do this kindly if in middle of discussion). 11. Keep working on how to communicate more effectively and better (as this was the biggest breakdown we had and still do have to a lesser extent) 12. Keep reading self-help books to improve self... take notes. 13. Go back over notes from past on DB forum and notes from Self help... 14. Re-read DB/DR as needed to remind me of goals.
and signs of improvement 1. She will start a conversation with me. (She does but only logistical typically) 2. She will smile at me from time to time (She has really occasionally) 3. She will be polite and kind to me (She has become more polite thanking me in return.) 4. She will let me know she's sorry for A (She's sorry it hurts me...) 5. She will watch a TV show with me (She did for a short while, now it's only if S15 wants to watch and I watch as a group). 6. ? still working on these...? _________________________
Me 47 STBXW 44 M ~20 D13 S15 BD mid 17 A Disc. 2 months after BD but evidence found ~2yr OM decade older S Imminent D Soon after
Well... We're telling Family and kids just after Xmas... BUT her lease starts in Feb.
It's just ALOT harder now that she's to the point of taking action... Before I guess I somehow put it out of my mind... Now with A accelerating (Really think they are going to make a go of it together... given how hard they BOTH are working at it and have been... they both seem to be in Love with each other after multiple years)
It's getting harder for me to deal with this the closer the end gets... especially with her in front of me daily... Not acting mean... but acting cold and detached toward me mostly... and knowing she's actively working to keep her hatred of me going to justify and push her towards the finish line...
Me 47 STBXW 44 M ~20 D13 S15 BD mid 17 A Disc. 2 months after BD but evidence found ~2yr OM decade older S Imminent D Soon after
Let her take action and move out. Make sure when you tell people (outside of your kids) that you don't follow her script. You don't need to shield her from other adults.
I want you to reframe her taking action from a negative to a positive. I know it's not easy, but here's why.
Right now, YOU are the cause of all her problems. She perceives you to be the villain and everything that is bad for her is because of you.
YOU CAN'T CHANGE THAT! At least right now.
When she leaves, she's going to come to the realization that her problems didn't suddenly just 'poof' vanish now that you're not around and in her face. They in fact followed her to the new place. So now she will have to confront the problems because she cannot pin them on you any more.
This is crucial because she has not yet taken into account how she has let the MR down and what her shortcomings are. She has blamed you full steam. But one person (outside of abuse) is never responsible for the failure of the MR. Heck it's not even 50-50 split sometimes, with more failures on the WW/WAS side of the street.
So, don't fear her leaving and that this will be the end of things. This is her journey and she has to figure out herself. If she doesn't, do you really want that type of woman as your partner? Right now your answer is most likely yes, but because you're seeing your MR through rose-tinted glasses.
Trust me, once those glasses come off, you will realize how much your W was lacking in the MR and if there is ever a helluva chance to recon, you will not accept her back as is. I am telling you this from experience.
If my W ever came back for recon, I have a list of non-negotiable things that will need to happen. If she balks at any of it, I am free to walk. I am already moving forward, so I can just continue.
Trust me that your strength will come. Let her go and focus on yourself. You have listed some great things as your goals. Now develop timelines and put yourself fully into them. Her moving out is going to be a huge relief to you. Just let a few weeks pass by and you'll see. My blood pressure went down into the normal range after my W moved out. I was able to verify it with hard data lol.
Take a deep breath and stay cool. Be polite and gracious, but not a doormat and hold your boundaries firm.
You have to accept the realization that your W is leaving in February and there is nothing you can do to make it better and if your not careful you can and will make it worse. All your focus should be on you and your kids future.
The possibility of reconciliation is years down the road.
Last edited by Cadet; 12/08/1711:08 AM. Reason: Start a new thread message
