Separation imminent....

[Hermes]

Hermes, you've been getting some awesome advice so do read and re-read it to keep on track.

I'm going back over it and pulling out the nuggets not only for this forum but for myself... re-reading them...

The only thing I would like to add is slooooooow down! You seem very concerned that every little thing you do may make or break your recon chances and you keep coming back here to describe every little interaction to see if you "did the right thing". The reason we call this a marathon is because it takes a long, long time to resolve. BD may have seemed sudden to you but to your W it was the culmination of months or years of what she felt was neglect in the M. She thought about it a long time before BD'ing. Now that she has BD'd, she feels like she shouldn't and can't go back. Right now no matter what you do she is done with you. She doesn't like you, she may even hate you. Why? Because it's her way of justifying BD and D. The key to getting her back is changing yourself and letting her see those changes over a long period of time. No one thing you do is going to make or break your recon chances, rather it's the aggregate of what you do over the coming months or maybe even years (yes it can take that long). So change for YOU, not for her. And be very patient.

Also please read Sandi's rules at least once a day.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

I know I have to force myself to slow down... it's just becoming EXTRA real now that her in home is almost over and everyone knowing... she's pulled away almost completely... sleeping with OM at least 1x/week maybe more... always online with him (seems like A is escalating the closer she gets to leaving... but maybe that's all in my mind). I also know I have to stop "caring" about this... but she still is firmly in my heart which is why this hurts so badly and hard to distance myself from.

I know, and believe also, that I can't talk my way out of something I've behaved myself into, and as well that this took years to get to the breaking point (I did so MANY things wrong)...

I just really don't think/believe/feel, that she will ever look back once she's left and D is final. I GAL, but short of removing myself from her presence (i.e. GAL every day which isn't fair to or possible with kids). The pain grows by the day as we get closer… Feb she moves out.

She tries to Hide her actions as best possible I think on some level she really is trying to be "kind" to me… (I know from talking with DB Coach and from reading other's stories... that things could be MUCH MUCH worse than they are... but knowing that doesn't make me feel BETTER about my sitch).

I know in my head that she's been gone for a long time and that the marriage for her doesn't exist anymore regardless of what the church/state says (that's likely the only way she can justify and continue what she's doing with OM... and with what's coming...)

Even though I've been agonizing over what to tell Parents and kids... I know there's nothing I say that will make it better... only things I can say that will make it much worse at this point and likely make the D MUCH harder [making her furious with me disclosing A for example right now (i.e. telling them the truth about everything including what I did over years, and her role in things back then and more recently)...)]

I know the advice in DB book is that it takes 1 month for every year of marriage... 20 in my case...

I don't tend to think of D and heartache of it when I GAL... but that only happens a couple of times a week; I am enjoying the respite that church brings, and I know I must work hard to get closer with D13 as she's pretty angry with me most days right now and I suspect when we tell them likely to get even angrier).

More than anything I want for us to be a family and R... knowing full well that is a fantasy…

A lot of people misinterpret DB'ing and especially detachment as them needing to be cold, indifferent and uncaring towards their WAS. That is not detachment, not at all. Most WAS's felt the LBS was like that for a long time anyway, so in fact that would be "more of the same" behavior. DB'ing is something of an art form- it's standing firm, being strong and establishing boundaries but doing it in a loving, respectful manner. I think that's where Sandi's rules really shine, it helps to understand how you go about doing that.

Thank you for this… I'm working hard to detach in loving ways (when I said I'd like for her to sleep in spare room again I did it as lovingly as I could at the time… I had a hard time sleeping with you.

I'm now working on being quiet, not starting conversations but responding warmly and generously when she does... It's hard because there is a lot I'd like to share with her... AND it's even harder as she NEVER shares anything about her day/week what's going on (e.g. yesterday she made some food... took it to work for some reason... no idea why or what it was about). But know this is part of her process of getting rid of me... Only sharing her day with OM each day... Only talking to me about logistical things (did I look for work, how did that go, etc. any interviews, etc. and kid related things, MAYBE one or two other tidbits... funny joke, etc... i.e. things she'd share with a friend...).