Passionate Marriage

[NotATLDave]

Dave,
I want to ask you to expand on your assertion that you no longer feel rejection. How is this possible and is this even a realistic goal to strive for?
So my understanding was not that one doesn't feel rejection anymore, but it's more in what you do with those feelings. Are you able to self soothe?

I think it's very realistic and will have great benefit outside the home. I've looked at my past and am working through all the reasons I'm so terrified of rejection. My entire life would be different if I wasn't. I've always been a non-confrontational wussy. Why? Because of reflected sense of self...I don't want to rock the boat because I assume I'm in it with whoever I'm dealing with. We each stand in our own boats. Sorry for the cryptic answer.

My C keeps telling me to think "it's not about me". This means that once I stop acting like it's my problem (when it's not) then my W will be alone with it. What she is really saying is that my "increased differentiation" will cause my partner's "differentiation" to rise to an equal level. Had my W caved into my pathetic attempts to fuse last week, we would have been in big trouble, but she stuck to herself when I was week which forced me to pick myself back up. (wow...I just realized that...I'm going to thank her). My co-ownership of the problem has obscured the fact that it is solely hers to deal with and that I really won't be able to help.

Do you then (for the next few days) pursue your partner, looking for validation of yourself? Etc.

Absolutely not. If I experience rejection, I'll deal with it (if I even allow myself to acknowledge it). Then the next day, if she is looking cute again and being nice, I ask to ML again. It's not to validate myself...it's because I want to ML to her. Her constant denial will not be without consequence but it will give me a different footing when I confront her about it. I can then be empathetic to "her problem" instead of whining about mine.

I DO know the difference, it's just that sometimes I try to take an innocent action and turn it into something less innocent!

That was very hard not to do last night to my sleeping W. I'm hoping she will have a new degree of trust that I can control myself. That will probably take some time.

Have a good day and good for you for setting a boundary with your wife and keeping it! You did great! (How's that for validation, ha haaaa)

Thank you!! "Validation from others" becomes "a gift" when you are capable of validating yourself. I'm working on it. I think a month or so of discpline will lead to habit.