Fighting my way out of the dark - Part 7

[Holding]

J9, thanks for sharing that.

S10 is so excited about putting up Christmas decorations this weekend with me. S14 becomes S15 today, and I'm going to his dinner tonight.

This morning it snowed for the first time in 8 or 9 years here. I've never seen S10 get dressed as fast as he did this morning to run out and play in the snow. STBXW and I were outside taking pictures of him. S15 came out, and STBXW was in her car about to leave. A neighbor offered to take a picture of me and the boys, and STBXW hopped out of her car to get in the picture. Is it cynical of me to think this was just to show some kind of fake proof that we're getting along, like the time she hugged me when her friend was visiting the house? Or to show proof in court that she was involved with the kids? God, I hate that I just can't take things at face value any more.

So this holiday season is starting to get to me. We'll do Christmas morning with the kids, and I thought about getting STBXW a card. I feel like I need to reach out to STBXW to say something, but I know it would be incredibly "beta" of me just 2 weeks before she moves out.

The thing I feel compelled to say to her is "I'm sorry I didn't give you what you needed in our M." I don't know why I feel compelled to say that.