Passionate Marriage

[NotATLDave]

Tim, that's the reason we are going to a C. I hope she can help draw this stuff out. If not, I better start saving my money because Schnarch is freakin' expensive to visit. I think what I'm doing right now is one piece of the puzzle. My W has not yet confronted herself on her issues and I've made it very easy for her to avoid it in the past.

At any rate, here's what happened with my "assertion" last night. It was actually "textbook" because of her reaction and was really a good test for me and another opportunity to disclose without fear.

Remember, she said "yes" to the idea of naked cuddling with "union" (meaning spoon with penetration while we (or just she) falls asleep). She got into bed in her "frumpy" nightgown and cuddled up to me and rubbed my back a bit. She then asked "is this ok?"...I said "sure" not realizing that she meant "this is all we're doing". I then said "oh, wait a minute, I thought you were asking if the rubbing felt good...I thought we had agreed to do more". She sat up, made angry noises, took her gown off, laid back down and said..."ok, let's go" in a really pissed off "whatever you want a-hole" kind of way. I laid there for a minute running my fingers over her back while she was anticipating that I would "assert something else between her legs" but mini-me wasn't feelin' it (for good reason).

At this point, I let her know that I *really* don't mind if she doesn't want to do it. She said "...I told you I would so I'm honoring my word...I said yes because I didn't want you to feel rejected and then get weird with me in a couple of days". When she realized that I wasn't making any moves on her, she asked "what's wrong?". I calmly said..."first of all, I don't feel rejection anymore. Secondly, I'm not going to wait to get weird in a few days...I'm going to 'address it when I see it' and it won't be anything but a criticism of the behavior..not you (thank Gottman for that one). Third, having sex with you when you are this state of mind is just wrong. Fourth, I have been very happy and relaxed this week; I've been taking care of business, training for my race and "doing my thing" along with being a very attentive guy...and...". She interrupted me with "you've been great all week and really helpful and wonderful". I continued my sentence "I was looking at you today with your hair in those cute braids and I thought that it would be really nice to ML to you tonight." She melted and became very sweet to me. We talked a little bit more about the fact that she can say "no" or say "let's just cuddle", or "let's MB together", or "quiet union", or "manual" etc. I let her know that my request to ML is a bid for deeper intimacy. We both got really relaxed then.

I stroked her neck and at this point she was relaxed and nice, I was (more) relaxed and mini-me came to life and I she led me to do exactly what I had intended to do. We laid there until she fell asleep...no effort to O or anything...just "union". She was asleep in 10 minutes.


Analysis...

1. Her attempt to dishonor her own word was a violation of her integrity. What used to (before PM) drive me nuts was that she is extremely responsible and "true to her word" with everything except ML. It used to piss me off but after PM, I feel like I'm "in on the joke".

2. The aggressiveness was a means to "train me" back into my less differentiated self so she could avoid dealing with her own issues. This also explains another incident like this where she got aggressive despite having the session be on the calendar. Thanks to PM, I'm almost laughing at this which in itself is a sign of greater differentiation. She's now fearful because the ball is moving into her court. I'm thinking that things might get worse until she decides to address her issues. I hope the C can help us through this.

3. When we did "hook up", I wasn't trying to validate myself by making attempts to physically "please" her though I tried to be thoughtful...I knew that her goal was to go to sleep. I respected that by just "lingering" with occasional movement.

This whole episode, from the time I asked her to ML to the time we fell asleep was about an hour. I was able to "hold on to myself" the entire time. I made no attempts at self-validation or reflected senses of self.

Now I just desperately need everyone on this site to tell me how great my improvements are and what a great guy I am and how strong and brave I am...just kidding.