Hoosjim's 9th: WW, A ended(?); "All-in" or not?

[sandi2]

Seems like there got to be a bit of a feeding frenzy here at the end of the thread to start a 2x4 party on me and you jumped in as well.

Why do people always think I'm giving them a 2x4? And, since when do I need to have anyone else giving a 2x4 for me to "jump in"? In fact, when I see a heavy dose already posted, I usually refrain. I'm sorry you saw it in that context, b/c it was not my intentions to upset you. I was a little frustrated when I wrote it, so I will try to learn to lay the IPad down and go do something else.

I did go back and glance over the last thread, and I did see what I believed to be rationalizing and/or in a correcting manner in some (not all) of your responses. Perhaps that's the difference in the heart of the writer, and the eyes of the reader. This is similar to texting, I suppose. One's personality or mood, may be misinterpreted in the typed words.

I'm going to say this about the wedding rings, then I'm through with it. The fact you lost your ring, should have no baring on her decision to not wear her ring after she committed to work on the MR. Having a new vow ceremony should not prevent her from wearing her current wedding ring.

I have a hard time seeing that point or how we get there based on where we are currently" [which is that even kisses are really awkward and weird and that right now the type of romantic intimacy envisioned for intimate couples "ain't gonna happen" for us] As an aside, this "ain't gonna happen" (whether qualified time-wise or not, now or in the future) is causing me to increasingly do a slow burn. Really? Really?!? She knows i heard her and Om discussing, in pretty graphic detail, EXACTLY what they were going to do to each other sexually if they ever got around to it.. and she was clearly "willing" or close to it... and now she's going to tell ME "well, I'll stay here and live with you and be your wife in name but we wont be doing that." REALLY?!?!?!?

Sounds as if she has friend zoned you for life. She has even commented on how she enjoys hanging out with you, but once you get back home......it's roommate status again. So, that's a double whammy facing the MR. Maybe during IC, the C could cover some of the SSM issues and get to the bottom of why your W feels that way.

In one of my threads on WW's, I talk about how upon the decision to remain in the MR, the H should let her know it is with the understanding she will be sleeping with him. No more separate bedrooms, etc. He can give her time to go through withdrawals and to get the OM out of her head, but she should know upfront that this will not be a roommate arrangement.

It was fine for you to set up the MC appointments. Your W claimed she ended her affair and was committed to "trying" (which really is not what one wants to hear about commitment, but they want it so badly, they will settle for their S trying). Anyway, the next step was MC. According to what you reported, she was trying and things (friendship wise) were getting much better.

FWIW, MC has said repeatedly that if W has not "fully given up the relationship with the OM, there is no point in 'working on' anything. She has also said we both need to be committed to restoring our relationship, and she seems to think that W is committed enough to it at the present time. But i have my doubts. My W's "Right now I just don't see those things happening between us or how they could" keeps echoing around in my head... along with her and OM's graphic sexual talk.

Well the MC is right. Your W must kill all traces of OM in her fantasies. For me, that was the hardest part of getting through the last stages of the withdrawal/mourning. I would guess your W's defensive attitude toward being "all in or out" comes from her knowing her lack of romantic attraction. She still craves that passion she reads about and sees in movies. If she would meet with the same C for this precise reason (as well as other important ones), maybe she would feel freer to express herself. A woman's most important sex organ is her brain. That's where the problem lies for her. Of course the kiss felt weird, b/c she set it up in her brain to feel weird.......plus, she put zero effort into responding to the kiss, if I read correctly.

Also talked about bff (who IS moving to Fla next month... HOORAY!!!!) and about how that relationship would somehow have to be reconciled with ours, if both were to be maintained.

I don't understand. Does she mean that you and her BFF has to be buddies, if the MR was to be maintained?