Hi NOpkins, Very good advice. Ironically, I did just this with my mom (we had a very difficult relationship when I was in high school and college--if my mom was a movie character, she'd be the mother in Terms of Endearment), but we're very good friends now. In fact, I'm probably closer to my mom now than anybody else except my husband.
Several years ago, during an ordinary phone conversation (not confrontational), I told her that I felt that she didn't love me or thought I was a "bad" kid because of some of the things she'd said to me when I was a kid. She started crying (which made me feel horrible) and said that she never meant those words, that she loved me, that I was a "good" kid, and she was proud of me but that she just didn't know what to do sometimes and did the wrong thing. Also, she was afraid that if she praised me, I'd be "stuck up". I never thought that years of feeling hurt could be undone by a few minutes of honesty, but they were.
Unfortunately, with my husband, I'm as much at fault as he is. Instead of confronting him immediately, I'll let something fester (and often the "something" is really "nothing" ), sometimes for years (I'm quite good at dredging up things from years ago), until it starts to affect me. Either he picks up on the fact that I'm angry at him (and he usually doesn't know why) or I'll say something. After that, it's as though we're in a bullfighting arena, and I'm the matador with the red cape and he's the bull. I get in a few verbal jabs (kind of like those spears they use to rile up the bull), he's wondering what's going on and is feeling pain and anger. Then things escalate to the point that I may as well be waving a red cape at him, and he charges verbally, sometimes physically (holes in the wall, broken furniture, etc.). He's angry and in pain, and I'm feeling very much in control albeit angry, too. You have no idea how much I hate writing that.
For some reason, reading Michele's books and some others recommended on this board, and writing and reading posts on this board and other DB boards, has forced me to confront myself, something that 3 years of therapy, including a couple of years in marriage counseling, never did.
The chapter in PM on normal marital sadism will probably be uncomfortable reading.
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. Will Rogers
To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. C. S. Lewis
