Passionate Marriage

[eyesopened]

Tim and Dave,

Thank you for answering. I just ordered PM. The concept of soothing is very intriguing along with using sex to improve the entire marriage.

I think my husband deep down would like to be able to just relax sometimes and be taken care of. Instead, he's usually the one at work who works the longest hours, who gets the most projects assigned to him simply because he is so reliable, who doesn't take vacations because his bosses become so dependent on him that they don't want him to be away from work for more than a few days.

At home, he's running around doing yardwork, doing laundry (he made it so that I can't get to the washer and dryer without moving a lot of heavy stuff now--it's a long story), cleaning up after dinner, etc. Whenever I do those things, he criticizes the way I do them or makes it difficult for me to do them (like the laundry), so I found it easier to simply let him do it even though occasionally I have to hear him complain that he has to do everything. I often accused him of being controlling (although I have complete control of the finances, have his support to go to work, stay at home, or go to school, to do as I please and go off to visit my parents and other family members for weeks at a time, etc.), but now I think there's something much deeper and sadder going on.

All your talk about how things change in a marriage if one person changes has proven to be true in our marriage in the last couple of weeks. It also seems to me that once the marriage changes, you can finally see some of the negative patterns.

During one of my husband's and my few relationship talks (via email) recently, I told him that I sometimes felt like somebody who'd been in the desert without water for hours or days. When I finally get to his house, I want and need water. But, instead of giving me water, he prepares preparing a lavish feast, and then doesn't understand why I'm still asking for water and doesn't appreciate the feast that he's spent hours preparing.

But, when I look at this scenario from his perspective (or mine as the giver), where he's the one who's come in from the desert, I see that instead of me offering and giving him water, I'll give him water if he asks for it or tells me that he needs it (ok, if he collapsed from thirst, I would give him water without asking since the need would be so obvious). And, he'll choose to die of thirst before asking or telling me what he needs, and he assumes that I don't truly love him because I don't recognize what he needs and give it to him freely without him asking. This may be the reason why the one and only relationship book I've ever been able to persuade him to read is Willard Harley's His Needs, Her Needs, after which he said very honestly that he felt that he was meeting all my needs (I'd given him a list and asked for his list), but none of his needs were being met (my immediate reaction was to fire back an email showing him how entirely wrong he was, which was unfair and untrue on my part, but somehow his comment finally got through to me later that week, and I finally accepted it as his honest feelings about our marriage).

In our marriage, the initial change came about when I realized that he was probably hurt when I turned him down for ML (usually for mundane reasons such as being sleepy, busy, tired, engrossed in a movie on TV, felt fat, etc.) and I also finally understood the problem I have with intimacy and trust.

What I did was to start initiating ML with him, telling him that I want to ML with him and apologizing several times for my past behavior of carelessly turning him down, convincing him that he didn't have to satisfy me every single time (sometimes I like not to focus on the big O and to just relax and use all my senses) and that I truly do enjoy and want sometimes for him to just lie back and let me seduce and play with him, offering and giving him long (2 hours or more) foot rubs that he seems to enjoy more often than ML right now since he's working very long hours and this is his favorite nonsexual physical affection, and telling him "I love you" first instead of waiting for him to say it first. Also, after reading Michele's article on this site, "He Must be Teething ", I've stopped assuming that when he's upset, it's because of something I did and I'll ask him what's going on as soon as possible rather than let this fester for days while I start feeling more negative toward him with each passing day.

Since making those changes, I've noticed that he's more relaxed, he's happier, we spend a lot more time talking and he's more open and confiding about stuff at work, he comes home by dinnertime (I've always tried hard to have us eat together as a family even when it's takeout food) or calls me immediately if something comes up so that I can adjust dinnertime if I want, and he's become very, very affectionate in the ways that I really like. And, yes, as the LD (lower drive) spouse, I've found that my desire for him has increased and that ML seems to feel "closer".

Gee, this all sounds easy. But, while my behaviors are fairly easy to change and I see a change in my husband's behavior (I had decided to make the changes simply because they were the right thing to do even if he didn't change any behaviors), what I'm finding is that old attitudes and fears about vulnerability are being exposed like the nerve in a tooth. After being "the pursued" throughout our relationship, the new behaviors make me feel unbearably vulnerable at times, and I'm having trouble sleeping and handling this without those old feelings popping up. And, I saw a little, but deliberate, passive agressive behavior from my husband last night, so it's probably reasonable to assume that he's feeling some discomfort, too (based on past experience and past comments, he's probably convinced that these changes are only temporary and will stop if he isn't on perfect behavior). I know that if I give up, things will go back to the way they were (except this time I'd also have to live with the newly discovered knowledge about our marriage and me), but that if I can maintain the changes and weather both my discomfort and my husband's discomfort, we have a real shot at a truly good and loving marriage, something I never saw when growing up and seldom see now that I'm an adult.

The concept of soothing (self-soothing?) from what I've heard from you guys is probably going to be something I really need to understand and apply, so I'm looking forward to the book's arrival.
Michelle