Quote: I guess what I'm wondering is does the book teach how to obtain that middle ground, does it teach how to get to the place where you can retain your self and at the same time still feel concern for the other person?
Very much so, Cathy. He makes the point repeatedly that in a relationship like marriage, one needs to remember that he is dealing with another human being, another person, and the need to be aware of the effect one's actions are having on those around him. Not only the SO, but also the children. The point is, if the changes being sought are on a point of personal integrity, this will be the natural focus.
Quote: Change is being made out of respect for oneself and the other person.
Just so.
Quote: The quote above seem to be rather broad sweeping. Someone like my ex who has decided he is going to be his own man and to hell with the pain it causes his children. When I say pain I don't mean small stuff either, I mean stuff that has caused clinical depression. Someone like him could take that quote above and use it to justify his position and his actions.
Exactly, but that would not be an act of differentiation, it would be an act of marital sadism, and therefore an act of fusion. It would also not come from an issue of integrity, but rather of selling out one's integrity. In such a situation, the ideal is that someone (the SO, or a competant therapist) would be able to call the person on their hypocrisy, and point out how they were violating themselves and their relationship. Confronted in this way, if the person were able to honestly confront themselves, they would hopefully realize what they were doing and "rise to the occasion". Schnarch tells a story about his own marriage to illustrate the point. His wife wanted to start having children, and he was ambivalent on the topic. They had discussed their positions before marriage, and for him, nothing had changed, but she decided she wanted to have a baby. After much self-confrontation, she made the differentiating move of going off birth control. She informed him of this fact, and said she wasn't going to force him to have kids - he was free to use condoms or any other method he thought would be effective - but she was no longer going to participate in that. He had to confront his own feelings on the matter, and ultimately decided he'd rather have a child than use condoms. This is an example of a life-altering decision that was brought about by one spouse making a unilateral differentiating move. He had his choices, and he acted on that...
