Quote:

When someone attempts to be more of a self in a relationship system, the absolutely predictable response from important others is, "You are wrong; change back; if you don't, these are the consequences!" In fact, if such responses do not occur, one's efforts to define more of a self are probably inconsequential (emphasis mine)
- Murray Bowen, as quoted by Schnarch



Tim, this is where the waters get muddy for me. It's that "boundaries" thing and all that. I understand a need to retain a sense of autonomy in any relationship we have and especially in a marriage.

If you have lived a certain way for years and have been less than happy with what that was producing in your life then you are probably going to get a negative reaction from those who are used to certain actions from you. I can understand that because change produces fear, especially if it is someone we love that is changing.

My confusion, or maybe I should say the thing that I think could cause others to be confused is the idea that we should be able to make change with no regard to the other person's feelings. If we are lucky the person attempting to change the dynamics in the relationship is doing it in the hopes that both partners will benefit. Change is being made out of respect for oneself and the other person.

If you have a person who all of a sudden decides they are going to change and to hell with what it does to others....their changes cause drastic, emotionally harmful problems for the other then I believe limits have to be set and consequences naturally occur.

The quote above seem to be rather broad sweeping. Someone like my ex who has decided he is going to be his own man and to hell with the pain it causes his children. When I say pain I don't mean small stuff either, I mean stuff that has caused clinical depression. Someone like him could take that quote above and use it to justify his position and his actions.

My children don't communicate with their father. He has been told by them to either stop dismissing their feelings or stay away. He told them he was not responsible for their feelings.

I understand the concept of taking care of one's own feelings by not allowing yourself to define your feelings based on the actions or reactions of another. There just seems to be a fine line we walk though when engaged in an intimate relationship because, regardless, we do and should feel concern for that person's feelings. I guess what I'm wondering is does the book teach how to obtain that middle ground, does it teach how to get to the place where you can retain your self and at the same time still feel concern for the other person?
Cathy