Separation imminent....

[Hermes]

I've been holding onto hope that she might still come around before D is final...

No, it's not likely. But is it really that different if she 'comes around' a month after D? A year after D? a week before D?

My point is that the divorce is just a reporting of your relationship status to the government. Being divorced doesnt dictate how you feel about her or your family.

YOU do.

I understand I control my reactions to it... I could have told her to leave as soon as I found out about A and told everyone, gone to OM W and told her etc.

I'm just not sure how much longer is healthy once D is final...
I don't want to be JUST her friend. I don't want to ever hear about how things are going GREAT for her or how much she likes OM or god forbid that they are moving in together down the road or worse...

Even the thought of these things as I write them make my heart ache. Maybe I'll feel differently later... but right now and since she told me she was done... Its a future I want no part of with her should it come to pass... I feel I'd be happier just letting her go completely and finally, never sharing any details of either of our lives again, save for minimal contact for kids sake.

but once it's final, I figured no reason to keep on hoping,

In her mind, the divorce is already final.

She is sleeping with another man. She is emotionally attached to another man. What thread of marriage are you desperately holding on to?

Hope is good. And im not saying to run out and divorce her.

Im telling you to step back and look at your situation with a beginner's mind. If youve already lost everything, what more is there to lose?

All I have is hope at this point... You are right... One thing another Marriage saving person told me early on is that "If your marriage is good that's all that really matters, and if it's not nothing else matters in life" She's gone... like sand slipping through my fingers as we speak... She applied for APT but hasn't signed lease yet... figure it's only a formality then she's locked into 1 yr lease... know much worse is to come... and I'm likely to break down completely when we tell her parents, my parents, and our kids.

Other than LRT and keeping her in Basement to sleep along with continuing to GAL, work on self and focus on kids...
anything else I'm missing?

Hermes - Have you read DR?

If so, what are your goals? Not just about marriage. But what do you want to accomplish? What are you doing to get there? It's probably the MOST important chapter in the book, but almost everyone I see runs straight to the chapter on 'what to do' --> LRT, etc.

Those things above are loose concepts that dont show any clear plan to me.

How can you get somewhere without a map? Thats the goal setting!

Ive read both DR/DB and some of the infidelity book and also have the change your life and everyone in it... have re-read parts of both... and continue to go back to them... but you are right... I didn't give goal setting much emphasis.

Guess I've been so focused on trying to save the marriage that in retrospect was likely DOA when BD, that I thought my goal WAS saving the marriage... setting small goals like she will recognize and thank me for things that I do for her... etc. which she now does (didn't do it for first 3 months)...
Guess none of these goals really matters now...

I know I need to find what makes ME happy again... and part of that is GAL going out with friends (which I'm doing more regularly), exercising (which I do religiously several times a week), losing weight (70+lbs and counting), get in touch with things that make me happy (hiking, meeting new people, dancing, listening to live music [this one is hard b/c we did so much of this together as a couple; doing it now without her tends to bring her absence to the forefront again], Reading, doing things with kids (again hard without her b/c we used to do all of these things mostly together with them.. and it feels like we're preparing them for D without them knowing it... although it's 2.5 wks from the big reveal to the world at this point so what's the difference).
Getting a new job and settling into it... Trying to figure out how to protect myself from the D and what she's likely to pull (I'm optimistic that she really ISN'T looking to screw me... but I am almost 100% certain we have vastly different definitions of what this looks like).

It's also looking at the damage caused by my past behavior. re-evaluating it and working to ensure it never happens again (understanding the damage, the pain, and healthier ways of interacting etc.) Just really hard to interact when there's no one else to do this with.

Beyond this, I don't have any clue... not even sure where to start...