I am a HD man and I would give anything for my wife to act slutty, and the sluttier the better, as long as it is for me. As for the Mom mode, you need to realize that the best moms are those that make sure DAD stays around, which means you need to put your husband ahead of your kids on the priority ladder. Make sure your kids see you kiss and hug and flirt with your husband as often as possible, as long as it is rated PG. It is BAD for children to see parents that never are affectionate. My wife is the perfect example, she grew up with no love in a very dysfunctional famile around 2 of the most fridgid women I have ever seen, that is until recent years. Now my wife wants to be just as fridgid as her own mother. Give you hubby all the sex he can handle, and then tell him what YOU want from your relationship. Good Luck!
Quote: Just in case we need to move this topic off to another site...
I, for one, trust that Michele would not do that. Having read her book TSSM, I think she's above that. I think she'd be the first to agree that, as good as her books are, they can't be all things to all people, and they aren't the only resources needed by people in our situations. I also think she'd be quick to recognize the power of Schnarch's approach. I haven't re-read SSM yet since reading PM, but I'm planning to re-read it with PM in mind, and I expect to find many parallels in terms of ideas, with different presentation. I think SSM was written to be very approachable for a wide audience. I haven't found PM to be opaque, but a number of folks here have posted that they found it a "hard read". It IS very deep, but I think the concepts are there for anyone who works at it. I do hope I'm not wrong... I think Michele is above the kind of professional jealousy that would have her ask us not to discuss other resources here. Just consider how many posts there have been about The Five Love Languages and other books. None of that has been killed here, that I've seen. So I think we're pretty safe in discussing this here.
Tim and Dave, Is Passionate Marriage only about sex in a marriage or do you believe it can help in other areas in a marriage.
Sex is good in our marriage, and I'm grateful to TSSM for showing me the hurt and rejection my husband felt when I'd turn him down because I was too tired, busy, etc. And, I now recognize and am confronting my own problems with trust and intimacy resulting from my upbringing and childhood, which has resulted in me changing attitudes and behaviors.
But, now I see some other destructive patterns in our marriage (not enough to destroy the marriage but enough that I sometimes just want to walk away for awhile, find an empty field, and scream in frustration). Specifically, I'm talking about some passive aggressive behavior from my husband instead of just confronting me directly (He seems to sometimes provoke while also trying to avoid conflict and confrontation with me, but not with other people, possibly a result of his childhood years in the role of the "very responsible" child in a home with two alcoholic and abusive parents who were also pillars of their community.) When I express anger or hurt about anything he does (such as making unilateral decisions that affect both of us), he either withdraws for a while (the silent treatment) or he explodes in anger. Yet, if I'm angry or upset and don't say anything, he seems to pick up on it and will badger me nonstop with questions like "What's wrong", "What did I do now?", "Why'd I even bother coming home?".
The last time this happened (after my epiphany as to how I'd hurt him), I saw the old pattern beginning and told him what I was angry about, that I just wanted to feel angry for a short while, and I reassured him several times that I loved him, that I wasn't going to leave him, that I just needed some time and space because I was upset. That seemed to break the old pattern, and we ML later that night.
But, I ended up feeling some resentment that my legitimate feelings of anger had to take second place to reassuring him (He'd swept papers, including documents and worksheets that I had spent days sorting and putting in order for our tax return, which was very complicated this year, off my desk during an argument. He was apologetic later when he found out what the papers were and that simply picking up the papers and piling them back on my desk couldn't "fix" things, and he planned and made dinner for the next 3 days to try to make up for the additional time I needed to finish our taxes and my parents' taxes.)
But, what I'm hoping is to find some way to stop the old familiar pattern from even starting (and I'm sure we're both at fault here) and the passive aggressive behavior, which is very aggravating and frustrating to me (it's easier to deal with the truth and direct confrontation). I'd like to be able to express anger or hurt about specific behaviors (telling me he'll be home for dinner at a certain time but coming home more than half an hour later because somebody walked into his office or called as he was leaving) or incidents without him feeling threatened or that I'm attacking him. And, I'd prefer that he directly confront me about things I've done or his feelings (he would never ever have told me that he felt rejected or hurt when I said no to sexual overtures, I had to ask him directly after reading TSSM and some of the posts on this board) rather than engage in passive aggressive behavior or expect me to read his mind.
Think PM can help with something like this?
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. Will Rogers
To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. C. S. Lewis
Wow, michlynn, what a FANTASTIC question, and THANK you for providing such a detailed example! The short answer is, Yes!
Quote: But, now I see some other destructive patterns in our marriage (not enough to destroy the marriage but enough that I sometimes just want to walk away for awhile, find an empty field, and scream in frustration).
That is an example of self-soothing by creating distance between you. PM will show you how to hold onto yourself and deal with your frustration while maintaining close proximity to your H. In other words, you won't need to go to a field somewhere and scream.
Quote: Specifically, I'm talking about some passive aggressive behavior from my husband instead of just confronting me directly...
That is a "textbook" example of "Normal Marital Sadism", which is dealt with specifically in PM.
Quote: But, I ended up feeling some resentment that my legitimate feelings of anger had to take second place to reassuring him
That's quite understandable. If HE had been able to soothe HIMSELF, and hold onto himself, he wouldn't NEED your reassurance. You would both be able to stand on your own emotional legs.
Yes, PM is EXACTLY the thing you should read next!
Re the question about discussing PM on this board. Michele cites Schnarch in TSSM, lists PM in TSSM's bibliography, and also lists PM in her recommended reading list in TSSM.
I think that Michele has a real gift for writing and presenting ideas that integrate her theories and successful experiences as a therapist and the theories of others such as Schnarch in a manner that's understandable to most people, that are positive and hopeful, and that are truly solution oriented. One of the things that I appreciate most, too, is that she's always telling us to monitor results and to stop going down cheeseless tunnels. So, if PM has some ideas and concepts that result in a better marriage for you, that's right in line with Michele's concepts of trying different methods, setting babysteps as goals, monitoring results, and staying with methods that produce results while abandoning the cheeseless tunnels. Just my humble opinion.
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. Will Rogers
To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. C. S. Lewis
Thanks, michlynn. I had totally missed her references to Schnarch, and hadn't even looked at the suggested reading list! Talk about missing the obvious! I guess I really do need to go back and read it again... I obviously haven't really READ it yet. No wonder I've been "stuck" for so long...
Absolutely...it's way more of a relationship book than a sex book. All I can say is read it. It addresses everything you said here. The funny thing is that every sitch on this site can be explained by PM. That's why Tim and I are being such goobers and telling everyone to read PM instead of trying to tell them how to, let's say, tweak their LL frequency. All the confusion that we've been going through here is explained in this book. I guarantee that it will explain your sitch.
This book gives you so many "ahaaas!" that you get a sense of power due to your insight. I'm finding that I'm not looking at other couples (and individuals) the same way anymore. A lot of here have been "walking around the forest in a blind stupor, bumping into trees, while looking for clues". PM is like having a map of the whole forest and the location of each clue and a decoder key. You will still have to do some walking but it now becomes focused, purposeful, and efficient.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Quote: I'm finding that I'm not looking at other couples (and individuals) the same way anymore.
Ditto, in spades. Last Sunday (after I'd read not quite half the book), I read in the paper about a hockey player named Mike Danton, who was arrested and charged with attempted murder for hiring a hit man to kill someone. If the alledged facts turn out to be true, then this is a pretty obvious (and extreme) case of just where fusion can take some people. You see, it is alledged that the person he wanted killed (for various reasons) was his (STBX) gay lover. I saw the connection to PM immediately...
Why don't you try simply telling hubby just what you told us? Be honest forthright, look him in the eye, and no matter how he reacts, DO NOT BE INTIMIDATED! If he gets angry, walk off and tell him you will talk to him about it later when he is ready to listen.
Everyone is guilty of passive aggressive behavior at various times in their life. It is a basic human 'feature'. Don't let him intimidate you with anger either. I bet that he hates doing it, but it is probably his primary defense.
You have to make a choice on your action/reaction whenever he reacts to you. It is hard to do but it is basic common sense, I doubt you need a book to tell you that :-)
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
