[quote]the idea that "the ONLY path or even the MOST LIKELY path to reconciliation requires separation just seems nonsensical to me.
Jim, I am going to tell you what my IC who was also my MC told me. In 25 plus years when she had couples that came in committed and had the attitude that "divorce is not an option" she had a 100% success rate in restoring their marriages.
If you want to stay married and act like roommates for the kids and the financial security that is fine but I think you need to openly discuss it.
If you are not, on January 2nd I would sit your wife down and say "honey I love you and I adore you and I know I have neglected you in the past. I can not continue to live in a marriage with no intimacy. I think you are beautiful and sexy and I can't continue to live in the same house as you without being able to kiss, touch and ML to you" (you get my point)
If she says "I can't give you that" then you need to walk and don't look back. (not literally) Try to convince her to leave and if not then consider leasing an Apt for a year. You have to strongly and confidently communicate to her that these terms are not acceptable to you and are not negotiable.
Look man, like JRuss said you will be fine. You seem like a good dude who is extremely intelligent. Imagine being with someone who wants to be with you and not worrying about tracking devices, burner phones, loser OM and BFF. You kids are older they will be fine.
Maybe down the line she comes back. Maybe she doesn't. Maybe she comes back and you don't want her back.
How long can you keep living under these circumstances?
Yes, but the in-house S worked for TxHubby because he was relentless in his DBing and did not give a flying f%^K what his W thought. You have to be ready to do that and not look back. If I was still in an in-house S, I would've followed Tx's footsteps. I don't see any other way of doing this and it cannot be half-a$$ed.
As for comments about never seeing anyone successfully piece after in-house separation, while rare, I know of TxHubby as one who was successful, so far.
Everybody clings on to Txhubby. Everyone also forgets that it almost killed him, took almost 3 years and it was when he filed for divorce his W came back.
My mental sanity has improved by a billion fold just not having her around. That alone is priceless.
Yep, my experience was like Maika's. Even though I'd pushed my wife to move out early, I was still very much dreading move-out day. Three days after move-out day I thought I was in heaven. No more eggshells, no more sh*t flying around.
Last edited by Cadet; 12/07/1707:44 AM. Reason: Start a new thread message
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
I just want to make a short comment about TxHubby having a successful in-house separation. I disagree. He did not have a successful in-house S that led to reconciliation. In fact, it was so bad it led to him becoming a WAH! (I responded to him when he posted about it). He was fed up and walking away from his WW......and that action is what led to a reconciliation (if they are still together). I have not read any updates or seen him posting lately.
So, I don't think we can give credit to the in-house S having anything to do with his WW's change of heart. It was the fact he was done.....and leaving her, and she knew he meant business.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I feel like to much attention is being put on TXHubby, and not enough on my point..
If he's not willing to S (which he wasn't last time this was brought up), then I am suggesting he stop focusing on trying to save his M, and start focusing on saving himself and see which way his W goes.
Others brought up that in house S never results in piecing, so I mentioned TXHubby, because I felt that in house seperation (which he's been in for many many many months) was simply being shot down as doomed to fail without any alternative being offered. I've since remembered Lim and Sandi2 as also being reconciled without full seperation.
But I go back to my original suggestion, of stop focusing on your W and saving your M, and start focusing on you Jim.. If S is something you are considering, then great, but if not, I'm offering my suggestion.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Coconut, I was not responding to your post or your point about TxHubby. It's just that different posters refer to TxHubby having a successful in-house S, and it wasn't what led to his reconciliation.
As for my own situation, I was never in-house, nor physically, separated.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Coconut, I was not responding to your post or your point about TxHubby. It's just that different posters refer to TxHubby having a successful in-house S, and it wasn't what led to his reconciliation.
That's definitely a fair point about TxHubby's sitch... However, if her were here, I think he would (consistent with what he's posted in this own threads) give some credit to his WW being in the house where she had a "front row seat" to his 180s, GALs, and "awesome new life."
I fill a LITTLE this way about my own W. Had i dropped the hammer on her right after BD in January and said "he goes or I go", she'd have been gone. Probably never to come back. Our relationship was completely dead, done, kaput, etc. We weren't even friends. No way, I truly believe, would we even have had a shot had i given her the boot on day one. We hadn't had sex, or even kissed, in NEARLY FOUR YEARS. Now, later, could I have (and even should I have) set more effective boundaries and/or walked away when she didn't immediately stop seeing OM, and with greater effect? Probably, and that's a mistake I own... can't go back and undo that any more than i can go back and un-do the several years of neglect I inflicted on her. (And, no, before you start, I absolutely do NOT consider that to be justification for the Affair.)
Well, that escalated quickly...
Sandi-- Ima respond to you in a new thread, so please see that one:
On the "Rationalizing" still? Really? I looked back over my recent post and don't think I saw a single rationalization. In onepost i stated how I could have rationalized were i still so inclined, but quickly noted that i pretty much completely accepted what you were saying and understood your point. Any "rationalization" in that post was completely for illustrative purposes. Seems like there got to be a bit of a feeding frenzy here at the end of the thread to start a 2x4 party on me and you jumped in as well. I'm guilty of a lot of things and missteps, here, but rationalizing and explaining things away for my W in THIS thread is not, I think, one. Any "explaining" or "mindreading" i did in this thread was done exclusively in response to requests from other posters for said explanations or mindreading.
Ima summarize the MC session and our post-session talk in the new thread.
Last edited by Cadet; 12/07/1706:27 PM. Reason: Combine posts
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
I'm guilty of a lot of things and missteps, here, but rationalizing and explaining things away for my W in THIS thread is not, I think, one. Any "explaining" or "mindreading" i did in this thread was done